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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says,
"This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."

I actually read this elsewhere...

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader were having their epic lightsaber duel when Vader stops for a minute and steps back a bit.

DV: Luke, wait...I know what you are getting for Christmas.
LS: ...What? No, you don't!
DV: It's true, my son. I KNOW what you are getting for Christmas.
LS: No way...Look, are we still gonna fight or what?
DV: Luke, listen to me: I KNOW what you are getting for Christmas!
LS: No, father. No, you don't, no way!
DV: Yes, I do. I have felt your presents.

You are a bus driver.

At the first stop, you pick up 3 people.
At the next stop, you pick up 5 people.
The next stop 2 get off and 7 get on.
The next stop 4 get off and 1 gets on.
The next stop 3 get off and 8 get on.
The last stop everyone gets off and 4 get on for the reverse direction trip.

What is the name of the bus driver?

^ Ooh, good one!

A little known fact, but Mickey and Minnie Mouse were made out to be married at one point in their animated shorts. However, this marriage did not last, as Mickey filed for divorce after a short while.

After the hearings in court, the judge called Mickey up to the stand.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse. The court cannot grant your request for divorce on the grounds that you claimed that your wife was mentally insane."

Mickey was shocked to hear this. "I never said she was insane, Your Honor. I said she was fxxking Goofy!"

if chance says "trust me". Don't trust them.