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So one day, two hookers were talking to each other. One said to the other "Have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" and the other one said, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs a few times."

*badaloompski* HOW'S ABOUT THESE!!!

I went to a party, and the DJ played Sit Down, so we all sat down. Then he played Jump around, and we all jumped around. Then he played Come on George, and I got kicked out.

He he he.

Q: What do vegetarian cannibals eat?
A: Greengrocers.

Y'know, I almost got married in college. Hard to believe I know, but true. We were good together, but ultimately religion got in the way. She was an Athiest. And of course, me being Agnostic, we didn't know which religion to not bring the kids up in.

Damn you, non-religious kooks! You will never learn to see past your stupid dogmas!!!

So a man and his pregnant wife went to the hospital to give birth. The wife declares that the baby is too ugly and she decides to have a picnic near the river so she can throw the baby into the stream. At the river they see a dancing hot dog, the man says, " Hot dog, stop dancing!", but the hot dog keeps on dancing. " I mean it! Stop dancing, hot dog!" but of course the dancing hot dog continues to dance away. So, the man threw the dancing hot dog in the river.

A few years later, the wife is pregnant again, but this time she confirms that the baby is a cute baby. The man says they should celebrate by going to the river. He sees something in the water, afraid it might be the ugly baby. He picks it up and it was...the dancing potato!

Why did the girl fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms. *drum roll

What's the difference between a businessman and a prostitute?

A businessman concludes a meeting with: It's been a pleasure doing business with you.
A prostitute concludes meetings with: It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

After his death Osama bin Laben went to Heaven.
There, he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, 'HOW DARE YOU TRY TO DESTROY THE NATION I HELPED CONCEIVE!'
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, 'YOU WANTED TO END OUR LIBERTIES, BUT FAILED'
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, 'THIS IS WHY I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!'
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, 'It was EVIL MEN LIKE YOU that provided me the inspiration to pen The Declaration of Independence!'

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain, an Angel appeared.

Bin laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, 'This is not what you promised me!'

The Angel replied, 'I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven... what did you think I said?'

HAH!!

This one I read in a sports forum:

A man stranded in a desert finds an old-fashioned lamp half-buried in the sand. Thinking that it could be a magic lamp, based on shape, he starts to rub it, and sure enough, a Genie pops out the top.

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" groans the Genie, "Five thousand years in that cursed lamp...That's it, I'm taking that three-wish thing and cutting it down to one. What'll it be?"

The man thinks about it for a moment, then says, "Oh, I know. Mr. Genie, sir, I wish to live forever!"

The Genie looks down at the man. "I'm sorry, but immortality is one wish I cannot grant. You will have to think of another wish."

The man thinks some more, until..."Okay, I've got it. I wish to die the day the Seattle Mariners win a World Series!"

The Genie looks at him. "You sneaky little sonofabitch!"

Why don't women need driver's licences? Because there are no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

OH MAN! ZZZZZZZZZING! Haha, that is AMAZING!

I still miss my "Ex"
But my aim is improving.

Tools Explained


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

A black man, jewish man and gay man all die and go to hell. Satan turns to each of them and says: "You can all go back to earth but, (to the black man) you have to stop eating so much chicken, (to the jewish man) you have to stop being so cheap, (to the gay man) and you have to stop being gay.
Then they reappear on earth. The black man says to the other two: Ok, let's go get a pizza, because I can't eat chicken anymore. As they're walking along, the Jewish man sees a penny on the ground and he bends over to pick it up. Then the jewish man and the gay man vanish.