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So one day i was talking about these hot sluts I wanted to bang, and my friend said to me "tim, all you care about is a girl's outside". I said "no i care about a girl's inside too.........................if its tight or not"

How do you hide money from a hippy?

Put it under the soap!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap!'

How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, you need a chainsaw, and a bag of frozen peas. You use the chainsaw to cut a hole in the ice, and then carefully arrange the peas around the hole. Then when the Polar Bear comes along to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

alright i would like to make myself clear befor I tell this joke:
I am not racist in any way and this joke does not express my opinion
I hold absolutely nothing against the Jewish community and would like to apologise in advance iff i offend anyone

anyway, how do you know a jew is living next door
there is wet toilet paper hanging on the washing line

This one made me crack up.

Two friends - Jeremy and Colin - are sitting in a bar drinking beer. Colin says to Jeremy "I know everyone in the world."

Jeremy says "That's bullsh*t. How can you possibly know everyone in the whole world?" Colin says "I just do..."

Jeremy says to him "Okay, prove it. Prove to me that you know Madonna".

So they fly out to Los Angeles, knock on Madonna's door, and she answers..."Colin! How are you! Long time no see!"

Jeremy says "Okay, so you know her, big deal. Prove to me that you know the president of the USA".

So they fly out to Washington DC, and enter the oval office. The president says "Hey, Colin! How have you been?"

"I don't believe this", says Jeremy. "Okay, one last one. Prove to me that you know the pope."

So they fly over to the Vatican. There's a massive crowd outside the church waiting for the pope to step onto the balcony. Colin says to Jeremy "He won't see me in this huge crowd. Let me go inside and talk to him".

So Colin goes up to the balcony and talks to the pope for a few minutes, then comes back down to the crowd to find Jeremy fainted on the ground. He asks him "What happened?"

Jeremy says "I was doing just fine until everyone around me started saying "Who's that man on the balcony up there with Colin?"

A guy walks into a mental health counselor's office with a a duck sitting on his head. The counselor says, "oh my, you certainly seem troubled.

"You bet I am," says the duck. "If you could just get this guy out from under my ass, that'd be swell."

What do you have if you have two green balls in your hands?
Kermit's full attention.

It's time for some Norm Funnies.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

Did you hear about the big story up in Frisco? Police were called to a Day Care up there. Apparently a three year old was resisting a rest.

What was the name of the roundest Knight at King Arthur's table? Sir Cumference.

By the way, I'm giving out dead batteries, free of charge.

Y'know, in Democracy it's your vote that counts, but in Feudalism it's your Count that votes.

A grenade fell on to a kitchen floor in France. You know what it resulted in? Napoleon blown apart.

Hey, what's the difference between your privates and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus.

So a patient enters the doctor's office, and upon entering, the doctor exclaims "Sir, you look awful!"

"Well that's what all of my friends told me," said the patient. "But I can assure you I feel good."

"But you look awful!" the doctor reiterates.

"Yeah, but I feel good," insists the patient.

The doctor ponders this for a bit. "Looks awful, feels good... looks awful, feels good... I've figured out your problem, sir. You must be a vagina!"

What do you call a Koala with a PHD? Koalafied.


What's the difference between a hockey team and Courtney Love? The hockey team showers after three periods.

What does a man with a 12 inch cock eat for breakfast? So do you mean to tell me that you don't know what a man with a 12 inch cock eats for breakfast?




I had bacon and eggs.





This next one is long, and I can't exactly remember how all of it goes, but it is related to 1403:




So there was this doctor who kept every foreskin from every patient he'd ever circumcised in a jar of formaldehyde. Well after about 30 years, he finally retired, and had jars and jars of foreskins just lying around, so he decided to have a leathersmith make something out of all of them. When he asked the doctor "well just what do you want me to make out of all of these", the doctor said "I don't know, just do what you can". Well nearly a year went by, when the doctor finally got a call to come into he shop and pick up his project. So he gets in there and asks the leathersmith what he was able to make out of it, and he says "a wallet." "A WALLET?!?" the doctor says. "A Wallet? but there were a nearly a thousand foreskins in there!" "I know", said the leathersmith. "But if you give it a rub, it'll turn into a suitcase."

Here's one I heard a couple of days ago I think this is how it went.

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you..."

"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"

So this morning on The Courage Boys; The Musers, they were talking about mustaches because one of the hosts was saying that he was thinking of growing one. As time went on, the discussion turned to how most of the men you see with only mustaches, no beard or goatee to break it up are gay. Then the question became "Why is it that gay men have mustaches". To which an emailer replied "To hide the stretch marks".