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When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not paniced and screaming like everyone in his car.

There's one of those Double-Decker buses full of people headed to some resort for spring break.

On the top section is all blonds, and on the bottom section is all brunettes. All the brunettes are partying and having a good time, while the blonds are sitting still and terrified.

One brunette comes upstairs and asks, "What's going on? Why aren't you guys partying? We should all be having a good time." then one of the blonds say, "That's easy for you to say, you guys have a driver!"

Abortion: It brings out the child in you.

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby - get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Yeah, stop jerking off, because if abortion is a murder, masturbation is a genocide...

so...a guy walks into a bar

2 cannibals are eating a clown. One of them tries a bit and say to the other: "He tastes a bit strange."
On german the joke is better...

"So a Dyslexic walks into a bra..."


I think it goes "He tastes kind of funny."

I think it goes "He tastes kind of funny."[/quote]

Yeah, you're right. I translated it from german, and there strange and funny are one word.

So two guys walk into a bar, but the third one ducked.

So two guys walked into a bar (actually they weren't guys they were hookers, wait...one of them was a transvestite...anyway)

the point is they were all brutally murdered by Jack the Ripper. lol

why do I love the deviant art emoticons so much??

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve bears in this bar." The bear says, "But I'd like a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve bears beer in this bar." The bear says "DAMN IT, GIVE ME A BEER!" The bartender says "We don't serve big, boisterous, burly, belligerent bears beer in this bar." The bear turns to the woman next to him and mauls her and eats her whole. Then he says "Give me a beer or you're next!" The bartender says "We don't serve bears on drugs in this bar." The bear says confusedly, "But I'm not on drugs." The bartender says "Actually, that was a bar bitch you ate."

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

And that , your honor, is the case for the Defense....... "

When they operated on father, they opened up mother's mail (male)



I would have thought that the second guy would have seen it coming

What does Michael Jackson like about 27 year olds?
There's 20 of them

What's Blue and smells like Red paint?
Blue paint

What's black and white and red all over?
A Penguin with a knife in his head

What's green and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table