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A WINNING plan: Use Tiger Blood to save Kennys ass PostTue Mar 15, 2011 4:52 am Offline
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:00 am4
Hey all! This is my first time trying something like this, but when the idea hit me, I knew I had to get it down as as quickly as possible. With all this Charlie Sheen sh*t going on I figure I better get my idea out there quick before they go and do their own episode about it and I look like a hack =p

MATT! TREY! *drops to knees* PLEASE! READ THIS! Make my episode dude :D

It is a bit rough, but after thinking about concepts for a few days I just tapped this out in under 12 hours. Don't let that fool you, the power of the TIGER BLOOD flowing through my veins powering my special South Park infused brain made it work-because I wanted it to. This was a speed writing exercise. (As in it was written fast.. hardly any meth was involved). If you like it, leave a comment, and together we can use our minds to will the south park creators into making this a reality.

Here is my WINNING South Park idea. *crosses fingers* Someone that matters please see this n use it!

*edit*
-Before you start reading, just imagine Charles Manson as the 'mystery prisoner' when it comes up.

All n all, it paints a pretty complete picture, is funny, and true to the show and life. You be the judge. (Please Leave Comments!)

Charlie Sheen, Pablo Escobar, Half Baked, The Chase, "Research Chemicals" (that don't show up on drug tests....), lab-rat hippies and homeless people, a brief appearance by Rango, a message about the un-winnable war on drugs, maybe some inter species sex tapes starring Pam Anderson, and a whole lot more. Here is A WINNING Plan: Use TIGER BLOOD to save Kennys ass!

Enjoy!


April 20, 1954
Rionegro, Columbia


In a tiny rickety shack of a class room mirroring that of the one in modern day south park, a fat little boy name Pablo Escobar is seated in class with no shoes on.

Teacher (As the whole class speaks along. Teacher looks like a Spanish Mr. Garrison and sounds kind of like him. He has a Mr. Hat like character that is wearing a little Peruvian flute band hat): “Two times two is four. Four times four is..”

*Class stops following along*

Teacher:“Pablo, where are your shoes?”

Pablo(with cartman-like voice): "Que?"

Teacher:“Why aren’t you wearing any shoes Pablo”

Pablo: “Um.. because I do not own any Mr. Garcia”

Teacher: “Well that’s no excuse Pablo, even your poor ass friend Hector here has some burlap tied around his feet (show a Spanish Kenny looking child with sh*tty burlap sack shoes, he shrugs and makes a muffled ‘yea dude’). I’m afraid I’m going to have to send you home if you can’t afford to buy any.”

*The whole class points and laughs*

Pablo: “awe god damn it!” – *Pablo hops out of his chair and exits the class room as they laugh.*

Show an adobe style mud hut. Pablo is being tucked in by his mother, who looks like a Spanish Mrs. Cartman.

*She kisses his forehead*


Mother: “Good night poopsikins”

Pablo: “Mom, I don’t know how, but God as my witness, I swear to you, I WILL make one million dollars…*whispers under breath* and then have that son of a bitch Mr. Garcia murdered for making everyone laugh at me….”

Mother: “I’m sure you will sweetiepie, I’m sure you will…”



December 2, 1993
Medellín, Columbia


A now grown and rich Pablo is running across the roof tops of Medellin homes as agents, military, and police fire shots at him and his body guard, a really dark Spanish guy missing an arm dressed like a guerilla fighter with a really raspy voice (think Ned).

Pablo (as he takes a couple hits to his extremities): “AWE GOD DAMNIT! *bullet hits* SON OF A BITCH!”

He stumbles and falls between two buildings and finds himself face to face with someone that looks almost exactly like him-

Stranger: “Seinor Escobar! You’ve given my poor family so much, is there anything I can do to help you?”

Pablo : “uuhhhhhh….sure!” *pulls out gun and shoots the guy in the ear*

Pablo ducks into a nearby door way as agents swarm the stranger’s body.

Agent(sounding dumb):“Hey! Did you see it!? I shot hem! Got em right in the ear! Ah huh! BANG! Yep I sure did” (‘deed’)

Show a real picture of Pablos dead body surrounded by cops, and in the background insert an animated Pablo in the shadows sneaking off.

South Park Colorado
Present Day


Kenny is being chased across the roof tops of down town South Park at night. Police, dogs, and helicopters with spot lights close behind.

Kenny (Muffled): “OH MY GOD DUDE! WHAT THE f*ck DID I DO?”

Kenny trips and screams as he falls between two buildings landing in front of Eric. Eric backs up with his hands in the air as police swarm

Cartman: ‘whoo ho-ho-hoooo, nooooo, he’s all yours officers, take him away!’

Kenny (Muffled) : “Awe f*ck you cartman you fat f*cking piece of sh*t”

With red and blue lights flashing off the walls of the alley and cops yelling

Officer Barbrady: “Alright, don’t move and you’ll be alright son, we can get this all sorted out”

There is a brief pause as Kenny makes a deep sigh and lowers his head in defeat. Then a German Sheppard jumps out and grabs him by the head whipping him around violently.
__________________________________________________________________

Transition to the next day

*Cartmans door bell rings* Stan and Kyle are there when Eric answers.

Stan (sad): “Hey Cartman. Can we come in.”

Cartman: “*Sigh* Fiine, what is it”

Kyle: “It’s Kenny, he’s in jail.” (~Think Half Baked?)

Cartman: “Yeah I know, so what. Wha’d he do anyway; steal some ramen noodles from the dollar store?” *laughs*

Kyle: “So what? He’s our friend and he’s in prison and it’s not even his fault.”

Stan: “Yeah man, apparently his hospital bills finally caught up with him. Unless he pays the one million dollars he owes they’re gonna keep him locked up in there and he’s probably gonna get anally raped by (? Someone famous in jail at time of episode ?). He’s really scared dude, I don’t think he’s gonna last long in there.”

**Possible sequence?** -> Flash to the prison showers, Kenny is nearly raped but he is saved by Tommy Chong, the ‘squirel master’

Cartman: “Annd this has what to do with me?”

Kyle: *face palm* “You know god damn well what this has to do with you. We need your help. Everyone knows you’re always coming up with ways to make one million dollars for your own selfish needs, how about for once you do it for someone besides yourself who really needs it.”

Stan: “Seriously Cartman, Kenny’s been our friend forever, you know we have to do whatever we can to help him.”

Cartman: “Ugh, isn’t this what Obamacare is for?”

Stan: “We already thought of that, they told us Kenny isn’t poor enough to qualify.”

Cartman: “WHAT?! How the f*ck is Kenny not poor enough for anything??”

Kyle: “Look we don’t know, are you going to help us or not?”

Cartman: *Turns his back to the guys and clasps his hands behind his back in contemplation* “Normally… Normally I wouldn’t help you assh*les.. But there is something I’ve been working on for a while now and I believe I shall help you out of sheer curiosit-ay regarding its success.. also I will of course be able to continue earning money after Kenny has been saved, at which point all further proceeds will be for my own benefit and you guys can go screw yourselves... hmm.. yes…this could work out for us all..”

Cartman leads the way up to his room as the others follow. Cartman pulls out a large ball and stick molecular model from his closet.

Cartman: “This is a model of a common street drug. Which one is not of particular importance, this is just for demonstrational purposes.”

Stan (hesitant): “ohkaayy…”

Cartman: “Now this drug gets people ‘high’. It makes them think, talk, and move faster. It boosts their self esteems and makes them happy and creative. Makes them tingly all over and even makes sex feel better and foods taste better.”

Kyle: “Cartman there’s no way in hell we’re selling drugs. What other ideas do you have.”

Cartman: “Quiet jew! You asked ME for help, now shut the hell up and let me explain. Now you see, this drug is illegal because our government is run by a bunch of Christian assh*les who believe anything that makes you feel good is bad.”

Stan: “Well yeah that and drugs are bad, didn’t you listen to Mr. Mackey?”

Cartman: “Think about that for a second you guys, you know for a fact people do drugs all the time all over the place every single day, but you don’t see hospitals filling up with dead hippies do you? No, you don’t. The illegal drugs around today have been used forever and aren’t nearly as unsafe as ‘they’ want you to think. Is this getting through to you Stan or should I call your ‘Future self’ to come over and explain the lies to you a little further?”

Stan: “Oh yeah… I almost forgot about that.. ok ok I get the point, but still, drugs are illegal, if we sell them we’ll just end up stuck in jail with Kenny.”

Kyle: “Yeah and I have no desire to get anally raped by ____”(? Famous prisoner ?)

Cartman: “*Pttfff* Yeah, sure you don’t Kyle heh heh heh”

Kyle: “f*ck you fat ass!”

Cartman: “heh.. heh.. ok, but seriously. *Ahem* now as I was trying to say.. This drug is illegal. But, if I just do this *he snaps off a single atom extending from a carbon ring and tosses it to the side* now this is a completely different drug. It has almost the same exact effects on whoever takes it. Sometimes the new drug has even stronger effects than the original. The sweet part is that since this drug is new, the assh*les at the DEA haven’t made it illegal yet!”

Stan: “But won’t they just find out about it eventually and make it illegal too?”

Cartman: “Well yes, of course. An assh*le can’t just magically stop being an assh*le, you two assh*les of all people should be well aware of this by now I would think. The government is always looking for new ways to stop people from having fun. But watch this *He snaps off another atom* And now we have another new drug. *snaps off a different piece and moves it to a different position on the ring* And another *snaps off a different piece and replaces it with a different color* And yet another. You see the possibilities are nearly endless, and you can do this with virtually any currently existing illegal drugs to make more new legal ones. You just can’t call them drugs when you sell them- you have to call them “Research Chemicals”. The government can keep making the new research chemicals illegal when they figure out they are really drugs, but every time they do that another 10 more can take their place. The stupid retards keep thinking they can stop people from wanting to feel good though so they keep wasting our parents tax dollars on their self righteous impossible to win ‘war on drugs’. Their loss can be our gain though you see. They have provided us with an easy way to make one million dollars… or more… yes.. much more.”

Kyle: “But you don’t know anything about organic chemistry or anything like that dumb ass. How do you expect to make new drugs, er “research chemicals”, you can’t even make jello without f*cking it up.”

Cartman: "f*ck you Kyle! I can to make jello" *glares*

Stan: “And even if you could make them this doesn’t sound safe at all. Ok the illegal drugs that have been out forever are obviously relatively safe since they’ve been used for so long, but what about these new ones? They haven’t been tested on people, what if they kill someone or cause long term health problems or something? Even if you could somehow invent something new you could be giving people Alzheimer’s or heart disease or something terrible way down the line. There’s gotta be a better way to make one million dollars and get Kenny out of jail.”

Cartman: “You guys are right, I personally don’t know anything about working in a chemistry lab. …. But Chinese people do. Lots of them. They work in labs all the time, and they are paid virtually nothing for it. I’ve been impersonating a Chinese American and communicating with a lab there over the internet for some time now gaining their trust. They have been producing stronger and stronger new completely legal drugs and I think they’re really on to something with this newest one. It’s called MephPVetamine, it’s a strong stimulant much like a combination of methamphetamine, ecstasy, cocaine, and PCP.”

Stan: “Jesus dude! That doesn’t sound safe at all! And it’s legal?? How do you know it won’t kill the first person who takes it?”

Cartman: “I’m way ahead of you there. Follow me to my lab-or-atory.”

Stan and Kyle look at each other worried

Stan: “.... ohkaay….”

Cartman leads the way down the basement stairs where there are homeless people and hippies chained to a wall groaning with dog food dishes and poop buckets nearby.

Stan: “JESUS CHRIST DUDE!”

Kyle: “CARTMAN! What the f*ck IS this!?”

Stan: “You can’t keep homeless people and hippies locked up in your basement!”

Cartman: “Oh relax you guys, it’s not like they’re real people, or dogs or rats or mice or something that really matters to real people. I’ve had them down here for like ever, and no one’s come looking for them and they’re totally fine. *he holds up a small mirror with white powder on it for the prisoners to see and they all take notice and begin reaching out for it longingly and grunting like zombies* See, look, they love it down here.”

Stan: “I can’t believe you dude, I cannot f*cking believe you.”

Cartman: “Do you want to save Kennys sweet sweet brown cherry or not?”

Stan: “Huh?”

Cartman: “Never mind just watch.”

*Cartman slides the mirror over to the prisoners and one hippie gets to it first*

Hippie: “Oh man! Awesome!”

*Hippie shoves his face into the mirror and snorts up the powder*

Cartman: “Now watch what happens now that he’s ingested the MephPVetamine.”

Hippie: *Deep sigh of pleasure* “Woah… hey.. what is this.. man.. I feel kind funny.. I feel like… I kinda feel like getting a job or something? I’ve never felt that before.. I feel great, like I could be successful n junk.. Yeah! I feel like.. I feel like I’m WINNING! Yeah! Duh! I’m totally WINNING!”

*The hippie looks down where he hallucinates a small lizard sheriff. It is Johnny Depp’s Rango*

Rango: “Well howdy there partner, you sure look like a real winner. I bet you wanna get out of here n go do something big with your life right?”

*Hippie nods ‘yes’*

Rango: “Well alright then. Why don’t you grab that thare machete *points to machete in a corner* and bust on outta here n go do something with yer self?”

*The hippie grabs the machete, holds it above his head and yells as he swings it down severing his chain. He screams that he’s a winner and is gonna go find his ex wife as he bolts up the stairs and out of the basement.*

Cartman: “Awe god damn it! That’s the third subject I’ve lost this week like that!.. Anyway, well as you can see, this is some powerful sh*t and people are going to go crazy over it. One million dollars can be made in no time.”

Stan: “Cartman this has to be the most f*cked up thing I’ve ever seen you do, and that’s saying a whole lot.”

Kyle: “I don’t even believe in hell but I know you’re going there for this.”

Cartman: “So what will it be gentlemen, will we go with my plan or would you rather Kenny be (Prisoners name)’s penis pin cushion for the rest of what will surely be a short lived life?”

Stan: “What plan? What do you know about selling drugs Cartman? So you found a really crazy new one, which still doesn’t explain how you plan to distribute it or anything.”

Cartman: “Why must you underestimate me Stan? It’s so easy you guys. Pablo Escobar made his first million dollars by the time he was 22 years old and that was before he even started selling drugs. He said something about the cocaine business, he said it’s (in ‘Mexican’ accent) “Simple- you bribe someone here, you bribe someone there, and you pay a friendly banker to help you bring the money back”. Well these days for us it’s even simpler than that, since what we will be doing is *lowers voice* technically legal we don’t even have to pay some covetous jew rat banker to launder our profits! It’s all ours!

Kyle (Angry): “HEY!”

Stan: “Well who do we have to bribe?”

Cartman: “That’s the truly genius part of my plan. First step we have to get someone famous to try it and get hooked, and then their fame will help make our product famous too. We just need the right famous person, and someone else who we can trust to approach that famous person for us and make the deal. Our guy needs to be someone who actually looks like a drug dealer so the star will take them seriously.”

Stan: “What famous person did you have in mind?”

Kyle: “And who do we know that looks like a drug dealer?”

Flash to Tokins front door. *Bell rings*

Tokin: *Opens door* “Hey. What do you guys want?”
___________________________________________________________________

A map is shown. Peruvian flute music plays. A dotted line is drawn tracing a path from Columbia to Cuba showing Pablo Escobars escape flight. Here scenes are recreated from the James Bond movie Die Another Day. The lab from the movie is shown and Pablo receives ‘gene therapy’ and lots of plastic surgery. When it is completed he looks like a light brown Asian person. (Although they did a really sh*tty job, like his eyes have been made squinty with visible staples or stitches or tape or something- think Team America). The map is shown again and the dotted line travels to China. The flutes stop playing when the plane lands in China and a *GONG* sounds along with a little high pitched Spanish laughter ~ah-HA!

Hollywood, California

The stage of Two and a Half men is shown- Charlie’s living room. A few cheesy lines are exchanged and the scene ends. Charlie appears as a healthy, giggly dope.

Chuck Lorre: “Cut that’s a wrap. Good work there Charlie! Heck of a good job today!”

Charlie: “Oh you know I couldn’t do it without you buddy! This show would be nothing without your brilliance; you know I always say that.” *smiles, jumps up and clicks his heels then walks away*

As Sheen walks out of the studio gates and down the street he passes an alley where Tokin is waiting in the shadows for him.

Tokin: “*Psst* Hey Mr. Sheen. Over here.”

Sheen: “Who me?” *looks around*

Tokin: “Ya man, come here, I’ve got somethin for you.”

Next shot is of Charlie in a hotel bedroom with a gun as well as a machete leaning against a dresser covered in liquor bottles. A blood stain and shell casing is on the floor. The bed is loaded with tons of unconscious prostitutes, mirrors, straws, and piles of white powder are everywhere and it is smeared all over all their faces, hands, tits and assses. Charlie now looks like he did on TV interviews, zombie like with sunken eyes. He seems to be barely alive with little energy,(the last one still awake) he leans over with a straw and snorts a huge line off a passed out hookers ass and mutters “winnnniiiiiinnnnngggggg” one last time as he passes out face first into the hookers butt... and she lets out a little squeeker fart causing a small cloud of white powder to fly up around his head before cutting the scene
_____________________________________________________________________

The story goes on and Tokin arranges a meeting with Charlie Sheen and Cartman. Cartman pitches Charlie an idea. He offers him a life time supply of MephPVetamine if he will promote a new product, ‘Tiger Blood Energy Drink’- which contains MephPVetamine. Charlie gladly accepts the deal and cans are quickly flying off the shelves with people going crazy everywhere.

A montage of the products rise to success is shown. Cartman is shown ordering more secret ingredient from China (typing in broken Chinese-american-english to keep his cover) while piles of cash grow behind him. At the same time, Chinese-Pablo is shown replying to all his emails with piles of money growing behind him as well. They simultaneously share an evil laugh.
_______________

Charlie continues to go crazier and crazier. Interviews he really did are recreated. He offers to take drug tests to prove he is sober because he knows he won’t test positive for anything illegal. This leads up to the end of the movie ‘The Chase’ being recreated. In the passenger seat of the getaway car speeding down the L.A. freeway are his two Goddesses sitting in the same seat together. He is leaning out his window swinging a machete screaming random quotes from his recent cracked out interviews. Mimicking the end of the movie as closely as possible, music, lines, and all, he eventually spins the car out near the Mexican border and gets out. Just like in the movie (the fantasy part) he pulls out a lighter to light a cigarette, and the cops all unload on him killing him (the goddesses get shot up too)… only this time instead of it being a fantasy sequence like in the movie, it is real, and he is dead.

The boys reach their goal of one million dollars and Kenny is able to pay his medical bills and get out of prison. The boys are all together at Cartman’s house, reunited.

Kenny (muffled): “Thanks a lot dude.” *hugs Cartman*

Cartman: *recoils* “ehh?… uhhh… awwe…*loosens up* alright, it’s ok *hugs Kenny back* I love you too Kenny, I couldn’t let you get raped by (? Mystery Star ?), no one deserves that.”

Flash to the mystery star rapist in their cell, they have a dream bubble of Kenny with his butt exposed as a puppy tugs on his shorts and he looks back- like the sun tan lotion label design- *deep sigh of loss*

Cartman: *voice perks up* “and now I get to make my own one million dollars! Tiger Blood energy drink is selling like crazy you guys, I’m gonna be rich! RICH!” *evil laugh*

But a news report comes on the TV…

Reporter: (Clips are shown of what is described) “We interrupt this Terrence n Phillip Farty Hour with an important news bulletin-(extra cheery) brought to you by Snakey Cakes. Members of PETA and other whack job animal rights groups are reported to have swarmed upon so called Research Chemical companies all over China. After having attention brought to it by the tragic death of its promoter Charlie Sheen, the FDA has confirmed that the main active ingredient in Tiger Blood energy drink, MephPVetamine, is in fact actually synthesized from the blood of live tigers- which of course are an endangered species. Pamela Anderson who headed one of the PETA strike teams is rumored to currently be engaged to one of the first liberated tigers, and a sex tape featuring the inter-species couple is already circulating the internet.”

News footage shows Pamela in combat gear kicking ass at a lab shooting Chinese people and saving tigers, and then tongue kissing one as other PETA members try to have sex with and are then mauled by tigers in the background. Chinese-Pablo is seen getting into a helicopter and escaping, barely audibly saying “god damn it not again!”

Cartman: *Wide eyed drops to his knees in front of the TV* “NOOOOOOOoooo! WHY GOD!? WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO MEeeheheEeeeeeee?! SERIOUSLY! *cries* My one million dollars…I was so close… why must I always be so close before you take it away from me!?”

Kyle: “Well that’s what you get for trying to exploit people Cartman, did you ever stop to ask yourself if this is always happening to you and your evil plans for a reason?”

Cartman: *crying, sniff* “Kyle you better get the f*ck out of my house right now before I shove you in my OVEN YOU GOD DAMN DIRTY JEW! RAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Kyle- “Dude!” *runs out of house as Cartman chases him, both screaming*

Stan- “Wow, who knew that something in tigers blood could actually get you high and make the media and everybody want to pay attention to you like that?”

Kenny- *shrug* (muffled) “Yeah dude that’s some pretty crazy sh*t right there”

Final scene

Lots of different scenes are put together here. All kinds of famous people are shown in their homes opening secret doors that lead to hidden dungeons that look like Dr. Frankenstein’s old lab. Voice clearance, retinal scans, finger prints, and false books on shelves are all used by people like Mel Gibson, Tiger Woods, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, Bush, Obama, Palin, Oprah, (The whole bunch) are shown going through security and entering their labs in one fluid walk to the center of the lab where they all keep a tiger on the same apparatus used for ‘Cheesing’, only the tigers have IV’s going into them and their blood is being collected. Going from one celeb to the next, tiger blood is collected and drawn into a syringe. Daniel Tosh is shown last, he is sitting at a large wooden desk lit by candle light. He injects himself with the Tiger Blood, roars as his pupils dilate ala ‘requiem for a dream’, and opens a large old leather bound book covered in dust on the table. He opens to the middle and begins to write another passage into it with a quill pen. He writes the date, and you can hear him thinking the words.

Tosh (thoughts): “I am requiring larger and larger amounts of the treatment with each passing year, and I am beginning to fear for my own sanity... yet the power of this ancient secret to fame and WINNING at everything one does is just too great for me to turn away now… I must continue.”

*giggles turn to loud crazy laughter as the camera zooms back into darkness*

Once solid black, a quote is put up on the screen-

"All empires are created of blood and fire." – Pablo Escobar

Then fade in below with-

R.I.P.

Then fade in a-

(?) at the end of R.I.P. and *bang a gong*

Roll Credits



*edit* I JUST saw 'Unlimited', the movie about the super pill that makes you massively successful. *face palm* REALLY wish I would have saw that before writing this lol That stuff like IS TigerBlood from the episode, if this were made Unlimited could easily be worked in, the tiger blood could be used to make the clear little pills and those could be used by the famous people in the end instead of injecting.
Last edited by HIRE ME! on Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:52 am, edited 21 times in total.
Re: Tiger Blood PostTue Mar 15, 2011 4:19 pm Offline
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Wed Jan 26, 2011 9:37 am339Washington D.C
I have read many stories of the fanfic page, put your story on the page to see if they like your story to others
I love south park
this first clip of the season 15 do not say much
Re: Tiger Blood PostTue Mar 15, 2011 4:29 pm Offline
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:00 am4
^ do you mean post it in a different thread or is there another web site somewhere? I'd really love for it to be seen by someone connected to the show that would be great.

Oh, and I didn't think of it till just now, but the mystery prisoner that wants to rape Kenny could be Charles Manson if no celebs came to mind haha
Re: A WINNING plan: Use Tiger Blood to save Kennys ass PostWed May 16, 2012 2:18 am Offline
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:00 am4
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... flesh.html


"Thousands of pills filled with powdered human baby flesh discovered by customs officials in South Korea

More than 17,000 pills smuggled into country have been intercepted since last August
Pills viewed as a 'miracle cure' for all ailments - but unsurprisingly they are harmful"


creeeeeeeepy! Life imitates art I guess.... right guys? Nuts!
Re: A WINNING plan: Use Tiger Blood to save Kennys ass PostWed May 23, 2012 5:20 pm Offline
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Sun Mar 11, 2012 7:31 pm14
HIRE ME! wrote:
Hey all! This is my first time trying something like this, but when the idea hit me, I knew I had to get it down as as quickly as possible. With all this Charlie Sheen sh*t going on I figure I better get my idea out there quick before they go and do their own episode about it and I look like a hack =p

MATT! TREY! *drops to knees* PLEASE! READ THIS! Make my episode dude :D

It is a bit rough, but after thinking about concepts for a few days I just tapped this out in under 12 hours. Don't let that fool you, the power of the TIGER BLOOD flowing through my veins powering my special South Park infused brain made it work-because I wanted it to. This was a speed writing exercise. (As in it was written fast.. hardly any meth was involved). If you like it, leave a comment, and together we can use our minds to will the south park creators into making this a reality.

Here is my WINNING South Park idea. *crosses fingers* Someone that matters please see this n use it!

*edit*
-Before you start reading, just imagine Charles Manson as the 'mystery prisoner' when it comes up.

All n all, it paints a pretty complete picture, is funny, and true to the show and life. You be the judge. (Please Leave Comments!)

Charlie Sheen, Pablo Escobar, Half Baked, The Chase, "Research Chemicals" (that don't show up on drug tests....), lab-rat hippies and homeless people, a brief appearance by Rango, a message about the un-winnable war on drugs, maybe some inter species sex tapes starring Pam Anderson, and a whole lot more. Here is A WINNING Plan: Use TIGER BLOOD to save Kennys ass!

Enjoy!


April 20, 1954
Rionegro, Columbia


In a tiny rickety shack of a class room mirroring that of the one in modern day south park, a fat little boy name Pablo Escobar is seated in class with no shoes on.

Teacher (As the whole class speaks along. Teacher looks like a Spanish Mr. Garrison and sounds kind of like him. He has a Mr. Hat like character that is wearing a little Peruvian flute band hat): “Two times two is four. Four times four is..”

*Class stops following along*

Teacher:“Pablo, where are your shoes?”

Pablo(with cartman-like voice): "Que?"

Teacher:“Why aren’t you wearing any shoes Pablo”

Pablo: “Um.. because I do not own any Mr. Garcia”

Teacher: “Well that’s no excuse Pablo, even your poor ass friend Hector here has some burlap tied around his feet (show a Spanish Kenny looking child with sh*tty burlap sack shoes, he shrugs and makes a muffled ‘yea dude’). I’m afraid I’m going to have to send you home if you can’t afford to buy any.”

*The whole class points and laughs*

Pablo: “awe god damn it!” – *Pablo hops out of his chair and exits the class room as they laugh.*

Show an adobe style mud hut. Pablo is being tucked in by his mother, who looks like a Spanish Mrs. Cartman.

*She kisses his forehead*


Mother: “Good night poopsikins”

Pablo: “Mom, I don’t know how, but God as my witness, I swear to you, I WILL make one million dollars…*whispers under breath* and then have that son of a bitch Mr. Garcia murdered for making everyone laugh at me….”

Mother: “I’m sure you will sweetiepie, I’m sure you will…”



December 2, 1993
Medellín, Columbia


A now grown and rich Pablo is running across the roof tops of Medellin homes as agents, military, and police fire shots at him and his body guard, a really dark Spanish guy missing an arm dressed like a guerilla fighter with a really raspy voice (think Ned).

Pablo (as he takes a couple hits to his extremities): “AWE GOD DAMNIT! *bullet hits* SON OF A BITCH!”

He stumbles and falls between two buildings and finds himself face to face with someone that looks almost exactly like him-

Stranger: “Seinor Escobar! You’ve given my poor family so much, is there anything I can do to help you?”

Pablo : “uuhhhhhh….sure!” *pulls out gun and shoots the guy in the ear*

Pablo ducks into a nearby door way as agents swarm the stranger’s body.

Agent(sounding dumb):“Hey! Did you see it!? I shot hem! Got em right in the ear! Ah huh! BANG! Yep I sure did” (‘deed’)

Show a real picture of Pablos dead body surrounded by cops, and in the background insert an animated Pablo in the shadows sneaking off.

South Park Colorado
Present Day


Kenny is being chased across the roof tops of down town South Park at night. Police, dogs, and helicopters with spot lights close behind.

Kenny (Muffled): “OH MY GOD DUDE! WHAT THE f*ck DID I DO?”

Kenny trips and screams as he falls between two buildings landing in front of Eric. Eric backs up with his hands in the air as police swarm

Cartman: ‘whoo ho-ho-hoooo, nooooo, he’s all yours officers, take him away!’

Kenny (Muffled) : “Awe f*ck you cartman you fat f*cking piece of sh*t”

With red and blue lights flashing off the walls of the alley and cops yelling

Officer Barbrady: “Alright, don’t move and you’ll be alright son, we can get this all sorted out”

There is a brief pause as Kenny makes a deep sigh and lowers his head in defeat. Then a German Sheppard jumps out and grabs him by the head whipping him around violently.
__________________________________________________________________

Transition to the next day

*Cartmans door bell rings* Stan and Kyle are there when Eric answers.

Stan (sad): “Hey Cartman. Can we come in.”

Cartman: “*Sigh* Fiine, what is it”

Kyle: “It’s Kenny, he’s in jail.” (~Think Half Baked?)

Cartman: “Yeah I know, so what. Wha’d he do anyway; steal some ramen noodles from the dollar store?” *laughs*

Kyle: “So what? He’s our friend and he’s in prison and it’s not even his fault.”

Stan: “Yeah man, apparently his hospital bills finally caught up with him. Unless he pays the one million dollars he owes they’re gonna keep him locked up in there and he’s probably gonna get anally raped by (? Someone famous in jail at time of episode ?). He’s really scared dude, I don’t think he’s gonna last long in there.”

**Possible sequence?** -> Flash to the prison showers, Kenny is nearly raped but he is saved by Tommy Chong, the ‘squirel master’

Cartman: “Annd this has what to do with me?”

Kyle: *face palm* “You know god damn well what this has to do with you. We need your help. Everyone knows you’re always coming up with ways to make one million dollars for your own selfish needs, how about for once you do it for someone besides yourself who really needs it.”

Stan: “Seriously Cartman, Kenny’s been our friend forever, you know we have to do whatever we can to help him.”

Cartman: “Ugh, isn’t this what Obamacare is for?”

Stan: “We already thought of that, they told us Kenny isn’t poor enough to qualify.”

Cartman: “WHAT?! How the f*ck is Kenny not poor enough for anything??”

Kyle: “Look we don’t know, are you going to help us or not?”

Cartman: *Turns his back to the guys and clasps his hands behind his back in contemplation* “Normally… Normally I wouldn’t help you assh*les.. But there is something I’ve been working on for a while now and I believe I shall help you out of sheer curiosit-ay regarding its success.. also I will of course be able to continue earning money after Kenny has been saved, at which point all further proceeds will be for my own benefit and you guys can go screw yourselves... hmm.. yes…this could work out for us all..”

Cartman leads the way up to his room as the others follow. Cartman pulls out a large ball and stick molecular model from his closet.

Cartman: “This is a model of a common street drug. Which one is not of particular importance, this is just for demonstrational purposes.”

Stan (hesitant): “ohkaayy…”

Cartman: “Now this drug gets people ‘high’. It makes them think, talk, and move faster. It boosts their self esteems and makes them happy and creative. Makes them tingly all over and even makes sex feel better and foods taste better.”

Kyle: “Cartman there’s no way in hell we’re selling drugs. What other ideas do you have.”

Cartman: “Quiet jew! You asked ME for help, now shut the hell up and let me explain. Now you see, this drug is illegal because our government is run by a bunch of Christian assh*les who believe anything that makes you feel good is bad.”

Stan: “Well yeah that and drugs are bad, didn’t you listen to Mr. Mackey?”

Cartman: “Think about that for a second you guys, you know for a fact people do drugs all the time all over the place every single day, but you don’t see hospitals filling up with dead hippies do you? No, you don’t. The illegal drugs around today have been used forever and aren’t nearly as unsafe as ‘they’ want you to think. Is this getting through to you Stan or should I call your ‘Future self’ to come over and explain the lies to you a little further?”

Stan: “Oh yeah… I almost forgot about that.. ok ok I get the point, but still, drugs are illegal, if we sell them we’ll just end up stuck in jail with Kenny.”

Kyle: “Yeah and I have no desire to get anally raped by ____”(? Famous prisoner ?)

Cartman: “*Pttfff* Yeah, sure you don’t Kyle heh heh heh”

Kyle: “f*ck you fat ass!”

Cartman: “heh.. heh.. ok, but seriously. *Ahem* now as I was trying to say.. This drug is illegal. But, if I just do this *he snaps off a single atom extending from a carbon ring and tosses it to the side* now this is a completely different drug. It has almost the same exact effects on whoever takes it. Sometimes the new drug has even stronger effects than the original. The sweet part is that since this drug is new, the assh*les at the DEA haven’t made it illegal yet!”

Stan: “But won’t they just find out about it eventually and make it illegal too?”

Cartman: “Well yes, of course. An assh*le can’t just magically stop being an assh*le, you two assh*les of all people should be well aware of this by now I would think. The government is always looking for new ways to stop people from having fun. But watch this *He snaps off another atom* And now we have another new drug. *snaps off a different piece and moves it to a different position on the ring* And another *snaps off a different piece and replaces it with a different color* And yet another. You see the possibilities are nearly endless, and you can do this with virtually any currently existing illegal drugs to make more new legal ones. You just can’t call them drugs when you sell them- you have to call them “Research Chemicals”. The government can keep making the new research chemicals illegal when they figure out they are really drugs, but every time they do that another 10 more can take their place. The stupid retards keep thinking they can stop people from wanting to feel good though so they keep wasting our parents tax dollars on their self righteous impossible to win ‘war on drugs’. Their loss can be our gain though you see. They have provided us with an easy way to make one million dollars… or more… yes.. much more.”

Kyle: “But you don’t know anything about organic chemistry or anything like that dumb ass. How do you expect to make new drugs, er “research chemicals”, you can’t even make jello without f*cking it up.”

Cartman: "f*ck you Kyle! I can to make jello" *glares*

Stan: “And even if you could make them this doesn’t sound safe at all. Ok the illegal drugs that have been out forever are obviously relatively safe since they’ve been used for so long, but what about these new ones? They haven’t been tested on people, what if they kill someone or cause long term health problems or something? Even if you could somehow invent something new you could be giving people Alzheimer’s or heart disease or something terrible way down the line. There’s gotta be a better way to make one million dollars and get Kenny out of jail.”

Cartman: “You guys are right, I personally don’t know anything about working in a chemistry lab. …. But Chinese people do. Lots of them. They work in labs all the time, and they are paid virtually nothing for it. I’ve been impersonating a Chinese American and communicating with a lab there over the internet for some time now gaining their trust. They have been producing stronger and stronger new completely legal drugs and I think they’re really on to something with this newest one. It’s called MephPVetamine, it’s a strong stimulant much like a combination of methamphetamine, ecstasy, cocaine, and PCP.”

Stan: “Jesus dude! That doesn’t sound safe at all! And it’s legal?? How do you know it won’t kill the first person who takes it?”

Cartman: “I’m way ahead of you there. Follow me to my lab-or-atory.”

Stan and Kyle look at each other worried

Stan: “.... ohkaay….”

Cartman leads the way down the basement stairs where there are homeless people and hippies chained to a wall groaning with dog food dishes and poop buckets nearby.

Stan: “JESUS CHRIST DUDE!”

Kyle: “CARTMAN! What the f*ck IS this!?”

Stan: “You can’t keep homeless people and hippies locked up in your basement!”

Cartman: “Oh relax you guys, it’s not like they’re real people, or dogs or rats or mice or something that really matters to real people. I’ve had them down here for like ever, and no one’s come looking for them and they’re totally fine. *he holds up a small mirror with white powder on it for the prisoners to see and they all take notice and begin reaching out for it longingly and grunting like zombies* See, look, they love it down here.”

Stan: “I can’t believe you dude, I cannot f*cking believe you.”

Cartman: “Do you want to save Kennys sweet sweet brown cherry or not?”

Stan: “Huh?”

Cartman: “Never mind just watch.”

*Cartman slides the mirror over to the prisoners and one hippie gets to it first*

Hippie: “Oh man! Awesome!”

*Hippie shoves his face into the mirror and snorts up the powder*

Cartman: “Now watch what happens now that he’s ingested the MephPVetamine.”

Hippie: *Deep sigh of pleasure* “Woah… hey.. what is this.. man.. I feel kind funny.. I feel like… I kinda feel like getting a job or something? I’ve never felt that before.. I feel great, like I could be successful n junk.. Yeah! I feel like.. I feel like I’m WINNING! Yeah! Duh! I’m totally WINNING!”

*The hippie looks down where he hallucinates a small lizard sheriff. It is Johnny Depp’s Rango*

Rango: “Well howdy there partner, you sure look like a real winner. I bet you wanna get out of here n go do something big with your life right?”

*Hippie nods ‘yes’*

Rango: “Well alright then. Why don’t you grab that thare machete *points to machete in a corner* and bust on outta here n go do something with yer self?”

*The hippie grabs the machete, holds it above his head and yells as he swings it down severing his chain. He screams that he’s a winner and is gonna go find his ex wife as he bolts up the stairs and out of the basement.*

Cartman: “Awe god damn it! That’s the third subject I’ve lost this week like that!.. Anyway, well as you can see, this is some powerful sh*t and people are going to go crazy over it. One million dollars can be made in no time.”

Stan: “Cartman this has to be the most f*cked up thing I’ve ever seen you do, and that’s saying a whole lot.”

Kyle: “I don’t even believe in hell but I know you’re going there for this.”

Cartman: “So what will it be gentlemen, will we go with my plan or would you rather Kenny be (Prisoners name)’s penis pin cushion for the rest of what will surely be a short lived life?”

Stan: “What plan? What do you know about selling drugs Cartman? So you found a really crazy new one, which still doesn’t explain how you plan to distribute it or anything.”

Cartman: “Why must you underestimate me Stan? It’s so easy you guys. Pablo Escobar made his first million dollars by the time he was 22 years old and that was before he even started selling drugs. He said something about the cocaine business, he said it’s (in ‘Mexican’ accent) “Simple- you bribe someone here, you bribe someone there, and you pay a friendly banker to help you bring the money back”. Well these days for us it’s even simpler than that, since what we will be doing is *lowers voice* technically legal we don’t even have to pay some covetous jew rat banker to launder our profits! It’s all ours!

Kyle (Angry): “HEY!”

Stan: “Well who do we have to bribe?”

Cartman: “That’s the truly genius part of my plan. First step we have to get someone famous to try it and get hooked, and then their fame will help make our product famous too. We just need the right famous person, and someone else who we can trust to approach that famous person for us and make the deal. Our guy needs to be someone who actually looks like a drug dealer so the star will take them seriously.”

Stan: “What famous person did you have in mind?”

Kyle: “And who do we know that looks like a drug dealer?”

Flash to Tokins front door. *Bell rings*

Tokin: *Opens door* “Hey. What do you guys want?”
___________________________________________________________________

A map is shown. Peruvian flute music plays. A dotted line is drawn tracing a path from Columbia to Cuba showing Pablo Escobars escape flight. Here scenes are recreated from the James Bond movie Die Another Day. The lab from the movie is shown and Pablo receives ‘gene therapy’ and lots of plastic surgery. When it is completed he looks like a light brown Asian person. (Although they did a really sh*tty job, like his eyes have been made squinty with visible staples or stitches or tape or something- think Team America). The map is shown again and the dotted line travels to China. The flutes stop playing when the plane lands in China and a *GONG* sounds along with a little high pitched Spanish laughter ~ah-HA!

Hollywood, California

The stage of Two and a Half men is shown- Charlie’s living room. A few cheesy lines are exchanged and the scene ends. Charlie appears as a healthy, giggly dope.

Chuck Lorre: “Cut that’s a wrap. Good work there Charlie! Heck of a good job today!”

Charlie: “Oh you know I couldn’t do it without you buddy! This show would be nothing without your brilliance; you know I always say that.” *smiles, jumps up and clicks his heels then walks away*

As Sheen walks out of the studio gates and down the street he passes an alley where Tokin is waiting in the shadows for him.

Tokin: “*Psst* Hey Mr. Sheen. Over here.”

Sheen: “Who me?” *looks around*

Tokin: “Ya man, come here, I’ve got somethin for you.”

Next shot is of Charlie in a hotel bedroom with a gun as well as a machete leaning against a dresser covered in liquor bottles. A blood stain and shell casing is on the floor. The bed is loaded with tons of unconscious prostitutes, mirrors, straws, and piles of white powder are everywhere and it is smeared all over all their faces, hands, tits and assses. Charlie now looks like he did on TV interviews, zombie like with sunken eyes. He seems to be barely alive with little energy,(the last one still awake) he leans over with a straw and snorts a huge line off a passed out hookers ass and mutters “winnnniiiiiinnnnngggggg” one last time as he passes out face first into the hookers butt... and she lets out a little squeeker fart causing a small cloud of white powder to fly up around his head before cutting the scene
_____________________________________________________________________

The story goes on and Tokin arranges a meeting with Charlie Sheen and Cartman. Cartman pitches Charlie an idea. He offers him a life time supply of MephPVetamine if he will promote a new product, ‘Tiger Blood Energy Drink’- which contains MephPVetamine. Charlie gladly accepts the deal and cans are quickly flying off the shelves with people going crazy everywhere.

A montage of the products rise to success is shown. Cartman is shown ordering more secret ingredient from China (typing in broken Chinese-american-english to keep his cover) while piles of cash grow behind him. At the same time, Chinese-Pablo is shown replying to all his emails with piles of money growing behind him as well. They simultaneously share an evil laugh.
_______________

Charlie continues to go crazier and crazier. Interviews he really did are recreated. He offers to take drug tests to prove he is sober because he knows he won’t test positive for anything illegal. This leads up to the end of the movie ‘The Chase’ being recreated. In the passenger seat of the getaway car speeding down the L.A. freeway are his two Goddesses sitting in the same seat together. He is leaning out his window swinging a machete screaming random quotes from his recent cracked out interviews. Mimicking the end of the movie as closely as possible, music, lines, and all, he eventually spins the car out near the Mexican border and gets out. Just like in the movie (the fantasy part) he pulls out a lighter to light a cigarette, and the cops all unload on him killing him (the goddesses get shot up too)… only this time instead of it being a fantasy sequence like in the movie, it is real, and he is dead.

The boys reach their goal of one million dollars and Kenny is able to pay his medical bills and get out of prison. The boys are all together at Cartman’s house, reunited.

Kenny (muffled): “Thanks a lot dude.” *hugs Cartman*

Cartman: *recoils* “ehh?… uhhh… awwe…*loosens up* alright, it’s ok *hugs Kenny back* I love you too Kenny, I couldn’t let you get raped by (? Mystery Star ?), no one deserves that.”

Flash to the mystery star rapist in their cell, they have a dream bubble of Kenny with his butt exposed as a puppy tugs on his shorts and he looks back- like the sun tan lotion label design- *deep sigh of loss*

Cartman: *voice perks up* “and now I get to make my own one million dollars! Tiger Blood energy drink is selling like crazy you guys, I’m gonna be rich! RICH!” *evil laugh*

But a news report comes on the TV…

Reporter: (Clips are shown of what is described) “We interrupt this Terrence n Phillip Farty Hour with an important news bulletin-(extra cheery) brought to you by Snakey Cakes. Members of PETA and other whack job animal rights groups are reported to have swarmed upon so called Research Chemical companies all over China. After having attention brought to it by the tragic death of its promoter Charlie Sheen, the FDA has confirmed that the main active ingredient in Tiger Blood energy drink, MephPVetamine, is in fact actually synthesized from the blood of live tigers- which of course are an endangered species. Pamela Anderson who headed one of the PETA strike teams is rumored to currently be engaged to one of the first liberated tigers, and a sex tape featuring the inter-species couple is already circulating the internet.”

News footage shows Pamela in combat gear kicking ass at a lab shooting Chinese people and saving tigers, and then tongue kissing one as other PETA members try to have sex with and are then mauled by tigers in the background. Chinese-Pablo is seen getting into a helicopter and escaping, barely audibly saying “god damn it not again!”

Cartman: *Wide eyed drops to his knees in front of the TV* “NOOOOOOOoooo! WHY GOD!? WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO MEeeheheEeeeeeee?! SERIOUSLY! *cries* My one million dollars…I was so close… why must I always be so close before you take it away from me!?”

Kyle: “Well that’s what you get for trying to exploit people Cartman, did you ever stop to ask yourself if this is always happening to you and your evil plans for a reason?”

Cartman: *crying, sniff* “Kyle you better get the f*ck out of my house right now before I shove you in my OVEN YOU GOD DAMN DIRTY JEW! RAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Kyle- “Dude!” *runs out of house as Cartman chases him, both screaming*

Stan- “Wow, who knew that something in tigers blood could actually get you high and make the media and everybody want to pay attention to you like that?”

Kenny- *shrug* (muffled) “Yeah dude that’s some pretty crazy sh*t right there”

Final scene

Lots of different scenes are put together here. All kinds of famous people are shown in their homes opening secret doors that lead to hidden dungeons that look like Dr. Frankenstein’s old lab. Voice clearance, retinal scans, finger prints, and false books on shelves are all used by people like Mel Gibson, Tiger Woods, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Tom Cruise, Bush, Obama, Palin, Oprah, (The whole bunch) are shown going through security and entering their labs in one fluid walk to the center of the lab where they all keep a tiger on the same apparatus used for ‘Cheesing’, only the tigers have IV’s going into them and their blood is being collected. Going from one celeb to the next, tiger blood is collected and drawn into a syringe. Daniel Tosh is shown last, he is sitting at a large wooden desk lit by candle light. He injects himself with the Tiger Blood, roars as his pupils dilate ala ‘requiem for a dream’, and opens a large old leather bound book covered in dust on the table. He opens to the middle and begins to write another passage into it with a quill pen. He writes the date, and you can hear him thinking the words.

Tosh (thoughts): “I am requiring larger and larger amounts of the treatment with each passing year, and I am beginning to fear for my own sanity... yet the power of this ancient secret to fame and WINNING at everything one does is just too great for me to turn away now… I must continue.”

*giggles turn to loud crazy laughter as the camera zooms back into darkness*

Once solid black, a quote is put up on the screen-

"All empires are created of blood and fire." – Pablo Escobar

Then fade in below with-

R.I.P.

Then fade in a-

(?) at the end of R.I.P. and *bang a gong*

Roll Credits



*edit* I JUST saw 'Unlimited', the movie about the super pill that makes you massively successful. *face palm* REALLY wish I would have saw that before writing this lol That stuff like IS TigerBlood from the episode, if this were made Unlimited could easily be worked in, the tiger blood could be used to make the clear little pills and those could be used by the famous people in the end instead of injecting.



what do you mean, hardly any meth?
Re: A WINNING plan: Use Tiger Blood to save Kennys ass PostWed May 23, 2012 11:39 pm Offline
  • Profile
Wed Feb 29, 2012 11:54 pm5860Australia
dude... i... they are not going to take ideas from the forum...
"We're all just a bunch of multi-coloured humans!"
Re: A WINNING plan: Use Tiger Blood to save Kennys ass PostThu May 31, 2012 1:57 am Offline
  • Profile
Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:00 am4
kennythepowerful wrote:

what do you mean, hardly any meth?


that would be a joke, son ;)

(ugly)Bob wrote:
dude... i... they are not going to take ideas from the forum...


lol no sh*t, I'm sure their legal department would be even more pissed at them than they usually are if they did that.

A boy can dream though... *sigh* :roll:
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