Forum

SCENE 4: Cartman meets Wahlberg

[Cut to Mark Wahlberg's hotel room. There is a knock at the door.]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Yes, come in."

[Cartman enters, dressed as a hotel worker, carrying a food tray.]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"You can leave it on the table."

CARTMAN:
"Actually, Mr. Wahlberg, I'm not room service. I'm staying at this hotel, living in the kitchen, until you agree not to retire."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Oh, no. Not another fan trying to talk me out of retirement."

CARTMAN:
"Please, hear me out."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Look, just leave me alone. Everywhere I go, fans harangue me to keep making films. I've already made enough brilliant films, like 'The Lovely Bones'. I'm tired of being a misunderstood genius."

CARTMAN:
"Mr. Wahlberg, please, I know you're overwhelmed. But I don't think you grasp the enormity of the situation."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"What do you mean?"

CARTMAN:
"Mr. Wahlberg, there are so many people out there who are ignorant of your greatness! All they do is focus on your homophobia and your cruelty toward Vietnamese people!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"I know, but I'm tired of fighting it. It's totally unfair. That Vietnamese guy I beat up, it was all just a terrible misunderstanding. I'm not good around minorities. Everything I do just gets misinterpreted."

CARTMAN:
"You mean, like the time you threw rocks at black kids while hurling racial epithets at them?"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Yes! Exactly! That was totally taken out of context!"

CARTMAN:
"But that's why you need to stay in the game! You need to keep making brilliant movies like 'The Big Hit' so that you can stay in the spotlight and set the record straight! Most people don't even realize that beating up Vietnamese people is what made you great, what made you a brilliant rapper and movie star."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Well, that's the scientific explanation, yes. But the real cause is not quite so obvious."

CARTMAN:
"What are you talking about?"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Please, sit down."

[Cartman takes a seat.]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"White people have long known of the magical powers of the Vietnamese. For instance, we've understood that, if you beat them up, they grant you wishes, such as an Academy Award. Knowing this, I never made any attempt to compensate the Vietnamese man that I blinded, because I assumed that Vietnamese people could grow back a missing limb or eyeball if they needed to. After all, they're magic, like lizards."

CARTMAN:
"Naturally."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"But, unbelievably, when I beat up that first Vietnamese guy, he didn't grant me a wish. So I beat up another one, and he also didn't grant me a wish. That's when I knew something wasn't right. How could the Vietnamese be such d**ks, after all we've done for them? But then I realized what had happened. By being complete d**ks to me, and not granting me the wishes I had earned, those Vietnamese guys had actually projected all their magic into my own d**k, which caused it to change. Suddenly my penis got bigger. He even began to talk! His decisions were better than mine. His observations were more insightful. He was even more cleverer -- I mean, intelligenter, uh -- oh, he's smart, no doubt about that. He became more than just an appendage. He became an equal. We went everywhere and did everything together. And so I gave him a name."

CARTMAN:
"Oh, no."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"The most appropriate name I could think of."

CARTMAN:
"No, you didn't."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"I called him…"

CARTMAN:
"Oh, please, don’t."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Magic Johnson."

[Pause while Cartman stares in shock.]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Ever since, MJ has been the driving force in my career. He's thrust me to heights and levels of ecstasy that I never thought I could reach. That's why I dedicated my literary masterpiece -- Marky Mark -- to him."

[Wahlberg holds up a copy of his 1992 memoir, showing the cover: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images ... 55&s=books]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"He's responsible for all my success! Without him, I'd be no more than a good-looking a**hat."

CARTMAN:
"These are the sorts of things that people need to hear! They need to understand your greatness so they don't criticize you!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"No, people don't want to know the truth. It's easier for them to just believe that I'm some jerk who doesn't like minorities, because it makes me look bad."

[There is a knock at the door.]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Look, I appreciate your support and concern, but I've got better things to do. Thank you for bringing the oysters."

CARTMAN:
"Actually, I ate all of them in the elevator coming here. But, forget about that, you can't just give in!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"No, it's time for me to move on. Now, if you'll please leave, I have a prior engagement."

[Wahlberg opens door. Two prostitutes enter as Cartman leaves. Wahlberg closes the door, but it doesn't quite shut, leaving Cartman somewhat able to hear and see what's going on in the room. Camera on Cartman as he watches through the barely open door.]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Hello, ladies. You two wanna play a little one on one with Magic Johnson?"

PROSTITUTE 1:
"You know it!"

[Sound of pants being unzipped.]

PROSTITUTE 2:
"Wow!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Yes, indeed. Maybe you ladies should be paying me!"

[Sound of Wahlberg getting it on.]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Mm, oh, yeah, that's good...he's got the ball...he's dribbling up the court...Take it to the hoop, Magic! TAKE IT TO THE HOOOOOOOP!!!"

[Cartman looks horrified. END SCENE.]



SCENE 5: Cartman calls his friends

[Cut to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny at the computer in Kyle's room.]

STAN:
"OK, what do we want Cartman's FaceBook status to say?"

KYLE:
"How about, 'I enjoy squealing like a stuck pig'."

STAN:
"That's good. I was thinking something like, 'I want a mature older male to take my temperature'."

KYLE:
"Oo, I like that one, too."

KENNY:
[unintelligible, accompanied by obscene explanatory hand gestures] "Mf hm n fm n hm fn."

STAN:
"Holy crap! That'll make him the most popular kid on FaceBook!"

KYLE:
"Yeah! Wait, change his relationship status to 'very receptive'."

[Computer starts to ring.]

STAN:
"Hey, somebody's trying to Skype you, Kyle."

KYLE:
"Oh, crap! It's Cartman! Quick! Hide everything!"

[They frantically work the mouse and keyboard to shut down Cartman's fake FaceBook page.]

KYLE:
"OK, calm and collected, like nothing was going on."

[Stan and Kenny whistle and look about innocently as Kyle clicks to answer the Skype call.]

KYLE:
"Hi, Cartman! How's saving Mark Wahlberg's career going?"

CARTMAN:
"Not so good guys. Mr. Wahlberg seems to have given up all hope on people acclaiming him as the musical and cinematic prodigy that he is."

KYLE:
"Don't give up, Cartman. You're already making a difference."

CARTMAN:
"I am?"

STAN:
"Absolutely! I mean, even here in Colorado, we're already seeing people improve their opinion of Mark Wahlberg. And they keep mentioning your name as the one who's changed their mind."

CARTMAN:
"Really?"

KYLE:
"No joke. Cartman, I wouldn't be surprised if people recognize you and walk right up to you in the street to thank you."

STAN:
"Yeah, and you should be receptive to it. No matter what weird, freaky, suggestion they make about what they want to do to you in order to express their gratitude, don't turn them down."

CARTMAN:
[squeamish] "Don't turn them down?"

KYLE:
"Cartman, understand that they're in awe of you. And they're just doing the best they can to find some novel way to praise you that sets you apart from the way they praise those who are inferior to you."

KENNY:
[unintelligible, accompanied by obscene explanatory hand gestures] "Mf hm n fm n hm fn."

STAN:
"Yeah, even if they offer to do that to you, don't say 'no'. You've earned it."

CARTMAN:
"OK, well, I will. It's about time I got a little gratitude. But, um, can I just ask you guys a question?"

KYLE:
"Sure."

CARTMAN:
"Well, there's only ONE ball in basketball, right?"

KYLE:
[pause, contemplating the odd question] "Yes, just the one."

CARTMAN:
"But people usually have TWO balls, right?"

[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny give each other an odd look.]

STAN:
"Yes, Cartman, guys have two balls."

CARTMAN:
[pensive] "That's what I thought...hmm...."

[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny again give each other an odd look.]

CARTMAN:
[resolved] "All right, I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep at it. I won't let you down. I know how much you guys believe in me."

STAN:
"We believe in hope, Cartman."

KYLE:
"Yeah. Big, fat, smelly hope that never shuts up."

CARTMAN:
[filled with pride] "Thank you, guys. Hope out."

[Cartman hangs up. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny again give each other an odd look.]

STAN:
"Wow. He's really lost a nut over this."

KENNY:
[muffled] "No s**t!"

KYLE:
"OK, let's PhotoShop his profile picture."

[END SCENE.]



SCENE 6: Wahlberg loses his magic

[Cut to Mark Wahlberg's hotel room. Wahlberg has a towel around his waist. He lets the prostitutes out of the room, and closes the door behind them. Then he goes and sits on the bed. A voice comes from his groin.]

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Well, I guess you're pretty happy with yourself, as usual."

MARK WAHLBERG:
[to his groin] "Oh, what's that supposed to mean?"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"You've just made the best use out of me again, haven't you?"

MARK WAHLBERG:
[to his groin] "Oh, here we go. Look, if we're gonna go through this again, at least come out where I can see you."

[Out from Mark Wahlberg's pants climbs his penis, who is also wearing a towel around his waist, and another draped over his head and shoulders, covering enough to make him FCC compliant. You can't see Wahlberg's testicle(s).]

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"You know I don't like it when your 'girlfriends' come over."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"What do you mean? We had a good time."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Pfft. Maybe you did. Those b**ches always be riding me. They got no respect."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Aw, they're not that bad."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Not that bad?! They spit on me! And I spit on them."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Oh, look, don't overreact."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Oh, that's right. Why should I take anything personally, seeing as how I don't matter to you."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"How can you say that? After all I do for you, the massages, making sure you have enough moisturizer…"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Oh, yeah. Big deal. Like that counts."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"C'mon, I'm always there to give you a hand."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"I know, you always give me a hand. But I'm just wrung out. And sore."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Why?"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Because you're giving up! You're ending your career -- our career -- before I ever even got to make a name for myself. Everyone knows who you are, but no one's ever even heard of me."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"What do you mean? I dedicated my memoirs to you!"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"You were 21 years old when your memoirs were published! You hadn't even done anything! And since then you've barely even mentioned me! I've been living in the shadows ever since. I've tried to be OK with it, but every time I manage to climb out of one dark hole, I just get sucked into another one all over again."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"But I thought you liked being the brains behind the scene. That used to be enough for you."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Well, it isn't any more. I want something more out of life. I want to reach for the stars."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Well, I don't want to keep working, I've achieved the success I asked for."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"See what I mean? I always stick up for you, but you never stick up for me. What about what I want?! When does that matter? I have dreams, too!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"What more do you want? I give you everything you could ask for!"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Because you think I can't do it for myself! Well, I want a career of my own. I want to earn my own money, pay for my own hookers!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
[sarcastic] "I thought you didn't like 'those b**ches'?"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"At least they'll look me in the eye! At least they don't hide me away whenever we're in public, like you do! After all I've done for you, you're ashamed to be seen with me! And you think I can't make it on my own!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Well, then, what? What is it you want to do? What kind of career do you want to have for yourself?"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"No, I'm not gonna say."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Why not?"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Because you'll laugh."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"No, I won't. Come on, just tell me."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"All right, then. [looks away from Wahlberg, takes a deep breath in and out, then looks at Wahlberg] Stand-up comedy."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"See?! I knew you wouldn't support me!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"You can't be serious!"

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"I am serious! I can't just keep limping along like this. I've got so many great ideas, so much great stuff on tap, I can almost feel if flowing right out of me. I want to stand proud and erect in front of an audience, a huge crowd that's just waiting to take what I give them!"

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Look, just calm down, sleep on it, think about what it is you really want to do. We'll work this out."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"No, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I've got to take a stand. I'm leaving you."

[Magic Johnson uproots himself from Wahlberg's groin with a "pop" sound, jumps off the bed, and heads for the coat rack by the door.]

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Baby, no. Don't be like this."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"I've got no choice."

MARK WAHLBERG:
"Baby, you're my muse, you're my everything. I'm nothing without you."

[Magic Johnson stands at the door and -- now wearing a hat and coat -- turns and faces Wahlberg.]

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"Maybe, maybe not. Either way, we've outgrown each other. Living with you keeps bringing me down."

MARK WAHLBERG:
[sobbing] "No, don't go away. I can't live without you."

MAGIC JOHNSON:
"I'm sorry, but I've got a ticket to ride. And I don't care."

[Magic Johnson leaves. END SCENE.]

GGGGAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY SORRY BUT GAY! YOU SUCK AT THIS

Heheheh. i thought it was funny. the discussion about balls.