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SP fan fiction story / "The R-word" PostThu Nov 24, 2011 11:00 am Offline
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Thu Nov 24, 2011 9:21 am3
Hi SP fans! Just joined today. Looking forward to exploring the site and reading your stuff! The story below is based on a discussion a friend and I were having about politically correct speech. I think its pretty good, but not sure if the context of the concept is clear - interested in any comments you might have. Thanks!

The R-Word / South Park Fan Fiction
by Marc Steuben

INT. MARSH HOME. EVENING.
Randy Marsh is at the computer using the internet.
Stan is doing his homework at the table.

RANDY
(slamming his hand on the desk)
Oh for crying out loud! Here we go again!

STAN
(looking up)
What?

RANDY
Another damn politically correct word! Where's it going to end!?

STAN
What's the word?

RANDY
'Retard'. Can you believe it? We can't say 'retard.' Retard!!

STAN
We can't say retard?

RANDY
No! Can't say retard!

STAN
Aren't we saying retard?

RANDY
(standing, gesturing wildly)
Nooo! We can't say retard anymore. DON'T YOU GET IT?!

STAN
Oh. Well why not?

RANDY
(sits, dejected)
Oh, its this website. Its a website that tries to get people to make pledge not to say it. We're doomed.

STAN
But someone can pledge that if they want. And even if they don't want to say it, you can say it if you want, right? There's not a law against it or anything is there?

RANDY
Its worse than a law Stan. Its ... (choking up) its ... SOCIAL PRESSURE! That website has already got 130,000 pledges. We're doomed!! If no one else is saying it, how can I?

STAN
(using a calculator)
Isn't the population of the United States 5 billion? So that's ... hmmm ... 0.000026 percent of the population.

RANDY
Yes. My God. The founding fathers never anticipated this kind of assault. I wish we had something strong enough to fight 0.000026 percent.

STAN
How about the constitution?

RANDY
The constitution?! Ha! We're talking SOCIAL PRESSURE here Stan! The constitution isn't going to help you against that!! Its the going to be the same way it was with the N-word!

STAN
What's the N-word?

RANDY
You know ... the N-word we can't say.

STAN
You mean 'n*gger'?

RANDY
Yeah, I sure wish I could say that. I mean, if I could, I wouldn't of course, but I sure do wish I could. Damn this PC world, always infringing on our rights! Oh ... and don't say the N-word Stan.

STAN
Why don't you say it if you want to?

RANDY
Stan! Well, I don't want to. But if I did want to and I it, people might think I was an R-word.

STAN
A retard?

RANDY
No, the other R-word.

STAN
Ummm ...

RANDY
(whispering)
A ... racist.

STAN
Oh yeah, racist.

RANDY
STAN! Don't ever let me hear you say that word again!!!

STAN
What's wrong with 'racist?"

RANDY
Its a strong word that hurts people Stan. Its hurts their reputations ... their REPUTATIONS!

STAN
But what if the person using the N-word is an R-word?

RANDY
AH! But how can you know they're an R-word? Did you think about!? Hmmm!?

STAN
Well, maybe I'd know if they use the N-word a lot?

RANDY
Ha! See, you're jumping to conclusions. Just because someone uses the N-word doesn't mean they're an R-word.

STAN
But, if they use the N-word a lot, they might be an R-word. Can't everyone just decide for themselves if they think someone's an R-word or not?

RANDY
Not with people's reputations on the line Stan. We should ban the R-word! If someone says the N-word a lot, and someone thinks they're an R-word, the N-word sayer might have to ... you know ... A-word.

STAN
Ass?

RANDY
Ass? No ... the A-word ... a-p-o-l-o-gi-
z-e.

STAN
Apologize? What's wrong with someone apologizing if they want to?

RANDY
STAN! No one ever wants to apologize! Never give someone else the satisfaction of apologizing! Do you understand?!

STAN
Sure Dad, sorry.

RANDY
That's better. Now, I'm going to go out and take care of all this political correctness once and for all!!!

STAN
(worried)
What are you going to do?

RANDY
I'm going to take that R-word website down. Retard I mean, not R-word.

STAN
What? Why do you want to take it down?

RANDY
Because they're trying to inhibit my freedom of speech!

STAN
But isn't taking the website down inhibiting their freedom of speech?

RANDY
They started it Stan! I can't say the N-word! And I can't say the C-word ... and trust me, that's no fun -- I'd love to say that one every now and then. Dammit ... it never ends! Now I can't say the R-word!

STAN
Racist?

RANDY
No Goddam it, retard!

STAN
Did you just call me a retard?

RANDY
What? Oh no -- I meant the word retard. Sorry ...

STAN
You shouldn't apologize.

RANDY
Oh yeah! Right! Sorry ... Anyway, I'm off to the internet to destroy websites and fight for freedom!

STAN
(under his breath as Randy leaves)
Retard...

INT. THE INTERNET. MIDNIGHT.
We're inside a dark cavern with cobwebs everywhere. Randy is standing before a giant black spider that has a red "I" on its belly.

THE INTERNET
FOR WHAT PURPOSE DO YOU STAND BEFORE ME?

RANDY
Um ... well, there's this website see...its r-word.org. They're trying to get everyone to stop saying 'retard.' Something needs to be done! They're
slowing chipping away at our freedoms! I'm not free if I can't say retard!

THE INTERNET
YOU JUST SAID IT.

RANDY
Yeah ... but 'they' don't want me to! They're going to complain and make me apologize and its never going to end! Its getting way too PC! And next ...

THE INTERNET
SHUT UP RANDY.

RANDY
Alright.

THE INTERNET
RANDY, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME OF MY TENANTS.

And ugly assortment of characters comes out from between some cobwebs. They all have www written on their foreheads and their corresponding URLs on their outfits.

THE INTERNET
(gesturing towards the motley group. The internet's voice grows quieter.)
I call them 'Tenants' because they are not my friends. First, please notice that every offensive word you can think of ... the N-word, the R-word, the C-word, and plenty more that many people don't want you to say, have their own websites dedicated to them. And there are websites for every possible derivation of these words.

RANDY
Yeah, but ...

THE INTERNET
I can't stand to have these websites inside me - they're vile and I'm against everything they stand for. But I do it. I do it for you. I DO IT FOR FREEDOM OF SPEECH! EVERYDAY I LIVE WITH THESE SCUMBAGS INSIDE ME JUST SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET ALL FLUSTERED EVERY TIME SOMEONE TRIES TO CONVINCE YOU TO NOT USE A WORD LIKE RETARD!

RETARD.COM
Retard!!!

THE INTERNET
Look around you Randy -- is the PC crowd really so powerful that they're going to change this group? And the PC crowd has their rights too. Are you afraid they'll physically stop you from saying what you want?

RANDY
Well, no probably not ... but they could create an environment where I can't say what I want!

THE INTERNET
If the only way to really make your point is to say something others consider offensive, you must say it. YOU MUST MAKE YOUR POINT EVEN IF OTHERS CONSIDER IT OFFENSIVE! A lot of people died to give you that right. But if you can say something in a way that doesn't offend people, you know, just try to be cool and say it that way. Christ, is it really that hard?

RANDY
But there are consequences!

THE INTERNET
Even you would probably agree that there are some things that shouldn't be said in certain situations -- you may deserve the consequences if you disregard that. But look at all the examples of people who say exactly what they want regardless of the consequences.

RANDY
But those PC people, they're just so self-righteous and smug ... I just want someone to put them in their place!

THE INTERNET
Many popular media forums do just that: South Park, the Family Guy, The Office, The Simpsons, The Onion, and countless more. And don't you think all of these do a much better job of speaking against Political Correctness than your feckless bitching?

RANDY
I guess so, internet. I guess so. And I do really like that South Park! They really nail PC speech!

THE INTERNET
South Park isn't always anti-PC. In fact the show's creators say that often their story lines are based on confronting people who take themselves, or their issues, too seriously. You wouldn't want to do that, would you?

RANDY
No way!!

THE INTERNET
And you don't want to go full-circle and become the very thing you're arguing against by trying to keep others from promoting their own viewpoints, ideas, and word preferences, do you?

RANDY
No again!!

THE INTERNET
Good! You've come a long way Randy. Now why don't you relax, have a beer, and chill out ... you retard!

"Mexican Radio" by Wall of Voodoo starts blaring over loudspeakers and Randy, the internet, and the whole ugly group laugh and start dancing around. Retard.com dances spastically through the middle of the group and everyone laughs. A sheep in red lingerie with a black nazi swastika appears out of the dark web, then a tattooed nun with a midget, then a confused polish guy holding a light bulb. R-word.org wanders around warily through the group until she runs into N-word.org. Their eyes meet. Suddenly they sign each others pledges and start to make-out. Whitepower.com sees that and storms off in the midst of laughter and jeers ...

RANDY
(whispering)
Is that guy an R-word or what!?

RACIST.COM
Racist!!!

FOCUS IN ON RANDY'S HAPPY FACE, THEN FADE TO BLACK
THE END
Re: SP fan fiction story / "The R-word" PostWed Dec 07, 2011 1:21 pm Offline
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Tue Aug 23, 2011 6:56 pm4427I don't wanna fucking tell you! Last time this kid started stalking me!
What's the C-word? BTW this might actually happen in south park good job! :tweek:
Cheerful misery with a best friend is better than eternal misery wherever else.

BEST CHARACTERS IN SOUTH PARK
1.Kyle
2.Kenny
3.Pip
4.Tweek
5.Butters
Last edited by kylekennypiptweek on Mon Dec 12, 2011 4:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: SP fan fiction story / "The R-word" PostWed Dec 07, 2011 1:40 pm Offline
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Thu Nov 24, 2011 9:21 am3
Thanks!!! It would awesome if they could use something from it in SP - boy I love that show. C-word ... ah! Not sure I want to tell you - you might be too nice :-) (and I might get banned). Hint though: four letters, ends in t. Thanks for reading and the nice comment.
Re: SP fan fiction story / "The R-word" PostTue May 08, 2012 6:41 am Offline
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Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:38 pm79Wisconsin
I can see this happening, its just...my dislike of randy marsh would make me not like this episode. He annoys me greatly.

Good idea though ;)

But seriously, you've got randy marsh's characterisation down!
"Sometimes, love is hard. But you cant just run away from it. When you start to have somethin special you have to work at it.Even though it might seem that the world is against you,u still have to hold on with both hands! "-Eric Cartman
Re: SP fan fiction story / "The R-word" PostTue May 08, 2012 8:51 am Offline
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Thu Nov 24, 2011 9:21 am3
Hey thanks! That's funny about Randy - he's actually one of my favorite characters these days ... but its because he's so annoying :)

Thanks for the feedback - park on!
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