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Nothing Rhymes With Orange PostFri Apr 20, 2012 6:25 am Offline
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Wed May 20, 2009 3:16 am41New Mexico
It could have been any day of the week. (Well weekday, the school bus had just dropped the boys off.)

It could have been any month of the year. (Well, not July since there was snow on the ground.)

It could have been any group of fourth grade boys now walking to their houses. (Except one of the boys had a secret ability that set him apart from his friends, peers, fellow townspeople, citizens of Colorado, the United States, possibly the entire world.)

It was always same sh*t, different day as far as Kenny McCormick was concerned. The constant feeling of boredom and repetition that was ever present in his life. Unless, of course, all hell broke loose, then it would be the feeling of chaos and repetition. The repetition coming from Kenny's dying in a gory yet comical way.

He hated when anyone would say "Oh my God" since he knew God was a rare sight in Kenny's version of the afterlife. He also hated the word "Bastard." The word itself was fun to say but hearing it echo in your head as he fell into as fiery abyss towards Hell quickly grew old.

Right now Kenny was walking behind the source of the "You Bastards!" His "Oh My God!" counterpart next to him while Kenny walked side by side with the one who didn't have an ultra marketable catchphrase pertaining to his constant deaths. Usually from that one he'd get a laugh, a poke with a stick, or a smack with a stick once when Kenny was set on fire. What an assh*le.

Suddenly the friend who always said "You Bastards!" whirled around and faced the two of them. "That's not true fat ass, Kenny would know!"

"Oh My God!" and the laughing poking assh*le also stopped walking and looked at Kenny, all three seeming to hang on his next words. f*ck. He zoned out again. It was an easy thing to do when Kenny had been known as the kid who just stands there and says nothing. "What?"

"See, Kahl, Kinny doesn't know either, or maybe the five dollars of income his family made this month went to an extra bottle of scotch instead of the Playboy subscription."

Ah, poor kid jokes, another constant annoyance. As if Cartman wasn't that far off from the poverty line himself. Kenny chose to ignore it. "Ah, Hustler's better anyway."

Kyle clenched his teeth and gripped the straps of his backpack. "Kenny's never heard of it because you made it up to try and sound clever. We all know you're full of sh*t, tell him, Stan!"

Kenny stepped back as Cartman and Kyle stepped forward to get into each other's faces, yet again. Kenny heard an audible sigh as a pair of red gloves gently pushed the two apart as Stan stepped between them. "I was talking about something I had to write for school and Kyle told me to dot my I's and cross my T's and Cartman said that was a sexual term and that made us…gay." Both Stan and Kyle glared at Cartman. "It's not true, is it?"

Now all three boys were looking at Kenny. He grabbed the ends of his hoodie strings and tugged a bit. He was only the center of attention in a non-violent way when it came to sex. It wasn't that he didn't fully enjoy the perverted aspect of his personality but his friends should know better by now, they were all getting older. He wondered if he could give them just about any bullsh*t answer and at least Cartman and Kyle would take it as the God honest truth. Stan might be a tad skeptical though, a side effect of turning ten first.

Or maybe he could bullsh*t them all if he didn't go too over the top. He half considered doing so to get back at them for never remembering his deaths. But no; he wanted to settle another Kyle and Cartman argument and not make Stan roll his eyes at the two as he had constantly been doing for at least a year now.

"Watch out Stan, if you roll your eyes again they might fall out of your head." Kenny snickered.

Kenny's watched his smartass half warning go unheeded as Stan's eyes rolled skyward once again. "Sure, Kenny, thanks. Dotting I's and crossing T's?"

Kenny rubbed his chin in thought, a small recollection of the term in last August's Penthouse. Give Kenny a sheet of multiplication tables to complete from memory, a list of words to learn how to spell correctly or a chart of animals to remember which were endangered and which were okay to kill and Kenny would usually get it only half right. He was starting to suspect the constant dying might be affecting his memory, giving him brain damage or something. But Kenny would never forget the pages of August's Hustler, it had…something he had never seen before and Kenny thought he had seen just about anything. There were some wild orgies in Hell.

"Dotting her I's means when a girl is giving you a BJ and you come in her eye, either accidently or on purpose. As for crossing the T's I'm not that familiar with it, maybe it means coming on her tits or something."

Cartman grinned widely. Stan rolled his eyes again and started quickly walking down the road. Kyle, on the other hand, looked horrified. Kenny twisted his hoodie strings around his fingers and tugged again. Had he said too much?

"Look, Kyle, I know your mom is kind of overprotective with you but blow job talk can't be that surprising to you right?" It's not like he would remember Kenny dying from getting a blow job. Totally worth it but who was the bastard now?

"It's not that, Kenny it's just-"

"Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." Cartman punctuated his chant with a little victory dance around Kyle and Kenny.

Kyle leaned into Kenny. "You know how he gets when he's right."

"I can't believe you didn't know that, Kahl, it's so sad!"

Kenny counted back from five waiting for the explosion.

"Oh like that's useful information to me anyway! You probably only know it because you've seen your mom do it all the time!"

And there it was. Kenny watched Kyle stomp off down the street after Stan. Nothing new.

"Ay! Don't be such a sore loser, Kahl, you stupid Jew! He's such a know it all douchebag isn't he Kinny?"

Kenny didn't say anything and watched Cartman follow Kyle. Maybe he should have bullshitted them to only make Kyle think he was right. He was used to Kyle's anger but given the choice he would side with just about anyone over Cartman. But anyone would say that, the entire group, no fourth grade class would, including the teacher. Plus with the constant Jew jokes Cartman made about Kyle, it took a bit of the heat off Kenny with the poor kid jokes, most of the time.

Stan had reached past the woods and was at the end of the block leading into the residential neighborhood. But he stood facing the forest, waiting for Kyle and Cartman to catch up to him. Kenny watched the three boys bend their heads in conversation and instead of going towards their houses the three disappeared into the forest. Leave it to his wonderful friends to flock to Stan and leave him behind, probably forgotten. assh*les.

Kenny weighed his options, he could just go home. Watch the latest soap opera of his parents arguing and seeing if they got any interesting mail that day. It's not like he would be missed. He could go home or maybe he could get them back, try scaring them in the woods or something. He had already considered pranking them earlier that day.

Kenny entered the woods and cut through the trees. He could follow the sounds of his friends and their footsteps crunching though the snow and now yet another argument starting up between Kyle and Cartman.

"That's not true fatass! DSL stands for Digital Subscriber Line, I would know. Computers are a hobby of mine!"

"Nuh uh, Kahl, you don't know everything! It has another meaning, a sexual one."

"Oh god, where did Kenny go? He would know."

"Maybe he took off because your fighting was annoying him. I should go join him."

Kenny stopped at Stan's last line. His friends did need him after all! Maybe not for a highly important role he thought he deserved but it did feel nice to belong in a group. Kenny broke into a run as his friends came into view in a clearing in the forest. "I'm right here you guys! It means dick sucking l-"

Suddenly a loud metallic sound of a bear trap snapping shut around Kenny's torso stopped him mid sentence. Kenny fell over in a pool of blood as Kyle, Stan and Cartman all quickly ran up to surround him. Kenny could hear Cartman's laughter as he waited for Stan and Kyle's typical lines.

"Dude, what the Hell?"

"That was pretty f*cked up right there."

Maybe things were starting change a bit after all. Those bastards.
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