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Episode: Baracknaphobia PostSat Jul 20, 2013 7:34 am Offline
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Fri Jul 19, 2013 1:21 pm2
EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand at the bus stop.

Cartman comes running up to them with exciting news.


CARTMAN
You guys! Oh my god you guys!

KYLE
What is it fat ass?

CARTMAN
(pausing, then addresses the other two)
You guys! You’ll never guess what? Microsoft and Sony have announced their new gaming systems.

KYLE
So?

CARTMAN
I’m not understanding your negativity here Kyle?

KYLE
Every time some new gadget or gaming system comes out we get all excited and then end up getting royally screwed in some way.

CARTMAN
Give one example.

KYLE
Ok, your trapper keeper tried to consume the entire town.

CARTMAN
Uh huh.

STAN
The Okama game sphere nearly got us killed by a government conspiracy who wanted to kill a towel with a drug habit.

CARTMAN
I see what you’re saying.

KENNY
(muffled)
I had to stop a war between heaven and hell because of the PsP.

CARTMAN
Ha, you can’t use that one Kenny cos stopping war in heaven is a good thing, so the PsP helped, that’s one for me.

KYLE
(angrily)
And the most important of all. The I-Pad got my lips sewn to a Japanese mans assh*le.

CARTMAN
Actually Kyle I think he was Chinese.

KYLE
(grabbing Cartman’s collar and staring him in the face)
I think, I know, who I was f*cking SEWN TO CARTMAN!

CARTMAN
Those are just coincidences Kyle.

STAN
(reluctant)
I really don’t wanna do this, but I have to agree with Cartman, I mean crap like that happens all the time, and I want a new console dude.

KYLE
No way. I’m out.

CARTMAN
(angrily)
I see what you’re doing Kyle, you’re trying to Jew out of paying your share when we buy it, so we all have to pay more.

KYLE
I don’t care.

CARTMAN
But you know we can’t play with the three of us. You know there are no decent three players Kyle and we’ll still have to let you use it.

KYLE
There are just more important things in life than video games.

CARTMAN
(shocked)
What? What could be more important than video games?

KYLE
Like the presidents speech on climate change this thursday.

CARTMAN
This thursday? That’s when Bill Gates and the C.E.O of Sony are gonna hold a press conference.

KYLE
So?

CARTMAN
So? They’re each giving the good points about their systems to swing the buyers, it’s gonna be a mass debate.

Kenny starts laughing.

CARTMAN (CONT’D)
And what would you rather watch, Obama’s tree hugging speech or this mass debate live on camera?

Kenny laughs harder uncontrollably.

CARTMAN (CONT’D)
Jeez, Kenny what is wrong with you?

KYLE
(storming off)
I know what I’ll be watching.

CARTMAN
(to Stan)
He’s so gonna Jew us out of his share.

THURSDAY

INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT

President Obama enters followed by a couple of his aides.

OBAMA
(celebratory)
That went really well, I feel that I really got through to people.

AIDE
Very well sir.

AIDE 2
Oh yes really well.

OBAMA
Do we have the numbers yet, how many people watched?

AIDE
(looking through his notes)
Early indications show.... one.

OBAMA
(puzzled)
One?

AIDE 2
That’s right sir, it transpires that there was a press conference shown at exactly the same time as yours which seemed to get all of your viewers.

OBAMA
(disheartened)
But, I’m the President of the United States.

AIDE
That’s right sir, but they’re the presidents of Sony and Microsoft combined, and you just can’t keep up with that.

OBAMA
(still disheartened)
I was addressing the nation about the decline in the climate and the decreasing rain forests.

AIDE 2
Yes sir but the PS4 has dumped the camera so they can undercut the X-Box one in price.

AIDE
And they’re both going to be predominantly online systems.

President Obama stares at them with an angry look on his face for a moment.

OBAMA
And how would you know that?

AIDE
(rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly)
Err... well we just kind of, flicked over for a couple of minutes when you were mentioning melting glaciers.

The President stares at them silently with anger and discontent, then he walks over to his desk and pushes a button. Four men in black suits enter the oval office.

C.I.A
Sir, your new aides are here.

AIDE
New aides?

The four black suits throw bags over the two aides heads and simultaneously begin punching them in the stomach as they drag them out of the office, kicking and screaming. With expert efficiency two new aides enter and grab the clip boards out of their flailing hands.

NEW AIDE
Excellent speech sir, well done.

OBAMA
Find me the one person who ACTUALLY watched my speech. They’re ready for the truth.

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY

Cartman, Stan, and Kenny are playing basketball when Kyle joins them.

KYLE
Hey guys.

Cartman finishes his drink and throws the empty can on the ground.

KYLE (CONT’D)
Cartman what the hell are you doing? The bins right there.
(he shows him just how close it is)

CARTMAN
(pretending to show sympathy)
I know Kyle, but in those ten steps, think of all the flowers and insects I could massacre.

KYLE
Yeah and think of all the calories you could lose if you walked to all those bins fat ass.

CARTMAN
If polar bears are so bothered about climate change and Coke cans being dropped on the floor why would they make so much of it!

KYLE
That’s just an advert you fat retard!

CARTMAN
Yeah right Kyle, next you’ll be telling me the lucky charms leprechaun doesn’t exist.

Cartman’s stupidity angers Kyle to the point he can no longer speak, he just stares at him.

STAN
(to Cartman)
Dude I think you’d better let this one go.

Kyle walks over to the can, picks it up, and forces it into Cartman’s hand.

KYLE
(gritting his teeth)
Put it in the bin.

CARTMAN
Or what Kyle?

They look at each other like they’re in a stand off at high noon.

The tension builds as Kenny and Stan glance between each other and silently wait for the next move.

Cartman does not back down and drops it again. As soon as it hits the ground black helicopters and S.U.V’s charge onto the scene with sirens blaring.


STAN
Oh sh*t dude, pick it up.

CARTMAN
Holy sh*t.
(he quickly picks it up and runs over to the bin panting, then gets back and points to Kyle)
It was him.

A man gets out of an S.U.V with a megaphone.

C.I.A 2
(through megaphone)
Kyle Broflovski?

CARTMAN
(elated, singing and pointing)
Ha ha ha ha ha. You’re in trouble, They’re not here for meee.

C.I.A 2
(walking up to Kyle but still talking through the megaphone)
The President would like to speak to you.

They usher him into a helicopter.

C.I.A 2 (CONT’D)
(through megaphone)
Bring them too.

The rest of the boys get put into S.U.V’s.

CARTMAN
Awww, I wanna go in a helicopter.

INT. SECRET LAB - DAY

Lots of futuristic looking machines fill this dark lab, and everything you see is branded with a Sony or Microsoft logo. Like a typical Bond villains lair their are workers walking around doing everyday tasks. Bill gates and Kazuo Hirai enter, pleased with how their conference went.

OMINOUS VOICE (O.S.)
Did our little plan work out?

BILL GATES
Oh yes, after this exposure I predict at the end of the year there will not be a single household without one of our consoles.

KAZUO HIRAI
(strong japanese accent)
Yes we drummed enough business for both of us but no one will know that they will be same machine. Ha ha ha ha ha.

BILL GATES
Precisely. Your machine, and my software.

A figure walks forward out of the shadows, the mastermind, Richard Branson.

OMINOUS VOICE (RICHARD BRANSON)
And to get the full potential out of them, they will require my bandwidth.

He pulls a cigar out of his pocket made with a $100 bill. He pulls a match out, lights a $100 bill with it and then uses that to light the $100 cigar.

BILL GATES
But why did we have to go through the whole debating process, why couldn’t we just announce a joint machine?

RICHARD BRANSON
(now eating a salad where the lettuce leaves are replaced with $100 bills)
Because the announcement of a new machine isn’t exciting, a new gadget, big woop. But a debate, that’s drama! That’s what people will be talking about for months to come, and we needed something big enough to draw attention away from the president’s speech.

KAZUO HIRAI
So now what do you want us to do?

RICHARD BRANSON
(he empties a bag of pearls and ruby’s onto his desk, crushes them to a powder and then snorts them using a rolled up $100.)
Now we just sit back and make all the fibre optic cable we f*cking want, cos we’re gonna need it when these babies go to production.

A pair of metal doors slide open and a huge spherical black machine is pooping out endless lengths of fibre optic cable.

The three of them begin laughing maniacally and Branson takes another hit of his pearl/ruby dust.


INT. N.S.A. FACILITY - DAY

President Obama is looking over some aerial photographs of a jungle when the boys get brought in by men in suits.

C.I.A 2
(through megaphone)
Sir we brought the boy as requested.

OBAMA
Kyle Broflovski, I’m so glad you could join me.

KYLE
You know my name?

OBAMA
We’re the government Kyle, there’s not a whole lot we don’t know.

STAN
So you spy on us, like all the time?

OBAMA
If we observe someone who doesn’t know they’re being watched, is that really spying?

KYLE
Yeah dude.

President Obama walks over to a bookcase and pulls a thick book out entitled ‘Loopholes: Government edition’. He thumbs through the pages.

OBAMA
(after finding the solution he’s after)
So if you’re watching a play, and the actor doesn’t notice you in the audience, does that mean you’re spying on them?

STAN
Well no, because they go on stage, expecting to be watched.

OBAMA
We haven’t the time to discuss semantics, I brought Kyle here because he was the only person in the country who watched my speech.

KYLE
How do you know.... never mind.

OBAMA
This way children, quickly.

He ushers them into a room filled with employees sat at monitors.

OBAMA (CONT’D)
These machines monitor all communications passed through the U.S. via phones, emails, text messages and so on. We can then filter in any buzz words we want, for instance when the words ‘president’ and ‘bomb’ is used in the same sentence, assassinate and so forth. We just put keywords from my address in there and you’re name came up Kyle.

MONITOR EMPLOYEE 1
Sir, George Anderson, 5th avenue, New York City. Just talked sh*t about your momma.

Obama stares angrily, speechless. He walks over to a desk and pushes a button.

INT. MANHATTAN APARTMENT - DAY

A bunch of hipsters are having a poser party, with cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. Laughing and patting each other on the back.
The New York Skyline is seen in the background through the window.

The black ops team crash through the door.


BLACK OPS 2
George Anderson?

GEORGE ANDERSON
Y..yes.

The team stuff a black bag over his head and drag him out of his apartment, kicking and screaming.

BLACK OPS 2
(punching him in the stomach)
You never talk sh*t about the President’s mama.

INT. N.S.A. FACILITY - DAY

CARTMAN
This machine is so cool you guys.
(walking up to a monitor)
Can we find out how many people are talking about me?

The employee gets the nod from the president so he satisfies Cartman’s curiosity, typing his name into the computer.

MONITOR EMPLOYEE 1
It says you are the most talked about person in South Park.

CARTMAN
(pleased)
It must be about how cool I am.

A copious amount of text messages quickly flash on the screen on top of each other. You get glimpses of text reading ‘Fat ass’ and ‘Cartman’s a dick’.

CARTMAN (CONT’D)
(reads one of them, and angrily turns to Stan and Kyle)
Hey, f*ck you Stan, and f*ck you Kyle!

A blip sound comes on the screen and a new message appears. Cartman turns and reads it.

CARTMAN (CONT’D)
(angry again)
And f*ck you Kenny.

Kenny chuckles whilst holding his phone.

OBAMA
Boys this is serious, you need to know the truth behind the climate change, and just how serious it is.

KYLE
It sounds serious enough dude.

OBAMA
You need to know the reasons for the well timed mass debate.

Kenny laughs his ass off.

OBAMA (CONT’D)
Sony and Microsoft want to make sure there is no awareness about climate change and global warming, they want to destroy the forests and jungles of the world, especially the jungles in my home, Hawaii.

STAN
Do we have to do this?

OBAMA
With their new systems they want them solely dependant on internet capabilities, every household in the country needs faster broadband to keep up.

KYLE
Not getting the conspiracy.

OBAMA
Do you know how the internet started?

STAN
(bored)
No.

Obama leads them to another room, where behind a plate of glass a bunch of yellow spiders are spinning a giant web with strands going off in all directions out of the room.

OBAMA
When I was a young boy in Hawaii, I went for a walk in the jungle and before I knew it, I had gotten lost in the wilderness. I must have been turned around somewhere along the way and couldn’t find my way back to civilization. Darkness fell and I was alone with the creatures of the night. I would have been a goner If it weren’t for the Hawaiian happy face spiders. They took me in and raised me as one of their own. After I had become a part of their family they shared with me their biggest secret. Them, and all spiders around the world were responsible for the distribution of data around the world through the vibrations in their webbing. Why do you think it’s referred to as ‘The World Wide Web’?

The boys look at him in complete disbelief.

STAN
Are you f*cking kidding me?

OBAMA
You see climate change will bring deforestation to record highs, destroying the spiders habitats. Eventually all networking will have to be done by manufactured fibre optic cabling. The right companies could make billions.
(pauses for realization)
I think I know who’s behind this.

KYLE
Who?

OBAMA
Richard Branson.
(pause)
Kyle, you seem to be the only person who cares enough to act, will you help us?

KYLE
Help you how?

OBAMA
You need to infiltrate Branson’s base of operations and shut it down once and for all, before he becomes to powerful, can you do it?

KYLE
Err, maybe, where do you think he is though?

OBAMA
The one place untouched by man.
(dramatic pause)
The Virgin islands.

Kyle looks over towards the spiders who now look like the ‘have a nice day’ smiling faces with eight legs sticking out of the side.

KYLE
I’ll do it.

OBAMA
(elated)
There’s a chopper waiting for you.

CARTMAN
Yes, I get to fly in a helicopter.

OBAMA
Actually I’m afraid there are only three seats, so Eric you’ll be travelling by canoe, paddled by these two homeless Eskimo’s.

CARTMAN
Son of a bitch.

Two Eskimo’s stand there speaking in their native tongue.

CARTMAN (CONT’D)
Listen to me you harpoon chucking snow Mexicans, do as I say and you will get one fish, uno fisho, to give to your poor families. Comprende?

KYLE
Eskimo’s don’t speak spanish you fat racist retard.

CARTMAN
I know what I’m doing Kyle. You gotta teach ‘em whose boss early.

Cartman gets a whip out and hustles them out of the room.

CARTMAN (CONT’D)
Mush, mush!

ESKIMO 1
(speaks eskimo, subtitles underneath)
You know with that much blubber we can feed our whole village for a month.

INT. BLACK OPS HELICOPTER - DAY

The three boys are sat in the back of the chopper, being deafened by the sound of the rotors.

BLACK OPS 1
E.T.A is five minutes, are you ready?

STAN
Are you sure they aren’t going to know we’re coming?

BLACK OPS 1
No, this chopper is equipped with state of the art cloaking technology.

INT. SECRET LAB, RADAR ROOM - DAY

A worried looking man sits at a radar console.

RADAR GUY
Sir, there seems to be someone approaching the island.

RICHARD BRANSON
Why am I just hearing about this?

RADAR GUY
Sorry sir, but it’s travelling at 0.2 Miles per hour I barely noticed it.

RICHARD BRANSON
You have failed me for the last time.

RADAR GUY
(puzzled)
I only started an hour ago sir.

RICHARD BRANSON
(talking to his bodyguard)
I’ll give you $100 to kill him, right now.

The bodyguard walks over to the radar guy and shoots him in the head. He walks back to Branson and takes a $100 off him.

RICHARD BRANSON (CONT’D)
(turns to his other bodyguard)
I’ll give you a $100 to kill him and get my $100 back.

Focus on the radar blip as a gun shot goes off in the background. Transitions to Cartman on the canoe.

EXT. CANOE - DAY

CARTMAN
(still holding his whip)
Jesus f*cking Christ dudes, if you go any slower your race will be extinct before we arrive. Mush you seal clubbing f*ckers!!

INT. SECRET LAB, CORRIDORS - DAY

The boys sneak down the corridors outside the radar room.

STAN
Why the hell are we doing this?

KYLE
Why would we not? How many times has some massive organization entrusted a bunch of ten year olds to save the world or something equally as big, this is the only time it’s been for a worth while cause.

STAN
All I’m saying is I have a bad feeling about this. You got the bomb Kenny?

KENNY
(carefully carrying a bomb)
This is f*cking bullsh*t dude.

INT. SECRET LAB, RADAR ROOM - DAY

RADAR GUY 2
Sir, the intruders will be in missile range in...
(calculating)
3 hours and 17 minutes.

RICHARD BRANSON
(impatiently)
My god, this is taking forever, will someone go out and pick them up, send a speedboat or something, just get them in missile range faster.

A bunch of guys in camouflage gear quickly reacts to his wishes before they get shot.

RICHARD BRANSON (CONT’D)
And bring me my slippers, if I’m going to be here for a while I might as well be comfortable.

A pair of orphans are led into the room, splashes of mud and dirt cover their faces.

ORPHAN
(raising his bowl to the guard)
Sir, please, we have run out of food, may we have some mor...

A second guard walks behind them and beheads them with an axe before they can finish there pleas.

The heads are picked up and placed on Branson’s feet. Still with a shocked and sad look on their faces.


RICHARD BRANSON
Ah, still warm.

INT. SECRET LAB, CORRIDORS - DAY

The boys turn a corner and see a door labelled ‘Fibre Optic Production Line’.

KYLE
This is it. Get the bomb ready.

They open the door and go inside, seeing a huge black machine ‘pooping’ out constant lengths of fibre optic cable on a conveyor belt.

STAN
There it is, the machine, set the bomb next to it Kenny.

Kenny walks over and places the bomb next to the black machine. As he punches the number in to set the timer going, the machine begins to move and reveals itself to be the arse end of a giant mechanical spider.

The spider pounces onto Kenny and picks him up with four of it’s legs. Then he rips him apart into four pieces.


STAN (CONT’D)
Oh my god! They killed Kenny!

KYLE
You bast...
(the spider runs towards them)
Oh sh*t!

Two security guards enter the room holding short swords.

SECURITY GUARD 1
What’s going on in here?

Stan and Kyle run past the guards screaming, the spider follows and kills the two guards in a horrific way.

Stan and Kyle run back and get the swords off the guards lifeless bodies.

The rest of the scene plays out like Sam Wise against Shelob in Return of The King. The timer goes off on the bomb and it emits a blue light which blinds the spider and Kyle stabs it in the stomach.


KYLE
(shocked)
That’s what that bomb did? They sent us in here with a night light?

STAN
(annoyed)
Jesus we could have been killed. Is it too much to ask for a f*cking explosion!

INT. SECRET LAB, RADAR ROOM - DAY

CONSOLE GUY 1
Sir, the fibre optic production has gone off line.

Cartman and the Eskimo’s are ushered into the room.

RICHARD BRANSON
(gets a gun out and points it at Cartman)
What the hell is going on here!?

CARTMAN
I don’t know. I’ve been stuck on a boat with these two assh*les for the last four hours.

RICHARD BRANSON
Give me the information I want or I’m going to kill one of your friends.

CARTMAN
Dude, I wouldn’t let these guys clean my balls, there not my friends, do it, go on, do it.

RICHARD BRANSON
(pauses for a moment to rethink)
Actually, it’s about time you guys started pulling your weight around here.
(he turns to Bill Gates and Kazuo)
You do it.

Bill gets flustered and turns to Kazuo.

BILL GATES
You better do it, your people are used to violence.

KAZUO HIRAI
(strong japanese accent)
No way, I am a not a stereotype, I just make a DvD players and T.V’s.

CARTMAN
Well it’s a good job you side stepped that stereotype.

KAZUO HIRAI
(to Cartman)
Shut your mouth!

BILL GATES
C’mon do it. Here use my gun.

Gates gives him a small pistol.

KAZUO HIRAI
Alright.
(he prepares to take a shot)

BILL GATES
No wait, use this instead.
(he hands him a bigger caliber gun)

Kazuo, again, points the gun at Cartman.

BILL GATES (CONT’D)
No, this is more powerful, and a faster reload.
(he hands him a Berretta)

KAZUO HIRAI
Why do I need a reload, he’s a two feet away!!

BILL GATES
(hands him a desert eagle)
Actually use this one and you’ll definitely finish him off.

KAZUO HIRAI
(shouting and waving the gun at Bill Gates)
Enough, this is ridicurous, no more f*cking updates!!!

Kazuo gets shot in the head while a Black Ops team storms the room, followed by Barrack Obama. Stan and Kyle run in afterwards.

CARTMAN
Where the hell have you assh*les been?

OBAMA
Oh thank god the diversion is still alright, that would have been one hell of a lawsuit.

CARTMAN
Diversion?! Mother f*cker!

RICHARD BRANSON
How the hell did they get passed our defenses, why was no one watching?

RADAR GUY 2
Well, I was kind of watching you screaming at a couple of Eskimo’s and a little fat kid, that’s why they were the diversion. That’s kind of what a diversion’s known for.

OBAMA
Arrest that man!

Richard Branson produces a flash light from his pocket and shines it on his teeth, the reflective light blinds the room and dazzles everyone. When they regain their sight Branson has gone.

STAN
He’s gone.

BLACK OPS 1
(sarcastically)
Wow, I’m so glad you’re here to point out the obvious!

Stan stares at him.

BLACK OPS 1 (CONT’D)
I’m sorry there was no need for that.

The strike team begin sweeping the room arresting everyone and ferrying them out of the door while Obama oversees everything.

OBAMA
(to Stan and Kyle)
How does it feel boys, to take down a multi million dollar evil corporation?

KYLE
To be honest, it feels like a Wednesday.

STAN
Yeah dude, I just wanna go home.

EXT. CANOE - DAY.

Richard Branson is holding a fishing rod dangling a stack of money in front of the two Eskimo’s who are rowing him to safety.

RICHARD BRANSON
Mush! Mush!

INT. CARTMAN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

The doorbell rings and Cartman answers the door excitedly.

KYLE
Why did you call us fat ass?

CARTMAN
(ecstatic)
You guys! You have to see this, it is totally tits!

He takes them to his T.V.

CARTMAN (CONT’D)
A government agent dropped this off, it’s basically a bribe so I don’t sue the sh*t out of them for sticking me with a couple of penguin f*ckers.

A black box sits on the floor next to his T.V.

KYLE
(annoyed)
What?

CARTMAN
What’s wrong Kyle, did you not get one?

STAN
Dude, this is weak why didn’t we get one?

CARTMAN
It’s ok Kyle you can use it whenever you want, if you admit that the whole thing wouldn’t have worked without me.

KYLE
You were an ignorant bulls eye floating in the ocean, how were you important?

STAN
(jumps on the couch and grabs a controller)
Just do it dude, you know you’re going to eventually.

KYLE
(sighs)
Fine, we couldn’t have done it without you.

CARTMAN
That wasn’t so hard was it Kyle, now we can all sit and watch the best shows the C.I.A. has to offer. Ah sweet you can stream live water boarding sessions.

On the T.V. George Anderson is being interrogated and water boarded.

INT. COURTROOM IN AFGHANISTAN - DAY

A courtroom set much like ‘Judge Judy’, but with an Afghan as the judge, defendant, and plaintiff. ‘Judge Akhbar’ titles appear on screen. As each person speaks their names come up underneath.

JUDGE AKHBAR
(speaks Farsi, subtitles appear underneath)
So you say he stole your goat?

PLAINTIFF ABDUL
(translated)
Yes, I went to the market and when I got back she was gone.

DEFENDANT KAZAR
(translated)
It was my goat, I just loaned her to him.

JUDGE AKHBAR
(translated)
I’ve heard enough, cut his hands off.

The gavel slams down and the defendant gets dragged off screaming.

THE END.
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