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Episode: South Park Film Noire PostTue Mar 19, 2013 12:16 pm Offline
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Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:06 pm7
South Park Film Noir episode


Exterior-Stark’s Pond-morning

Stan is wearing an old style trench coat while standing in front of the shore of Stark’s Pond, looking out into the fog that covers the lake.

Stan (Inner voice)
The lake is quiet now. And foggy. Just like my memory. I don’t remember how or why things happened the way they did. All I know is, I’ve got to get out. One last time. Maybe one last time I can do what I said I’d never do again. There’s always one person who has the dirt on all the rest in South Park. Better pay him a visit.

Interior-South Park Cafeteria-day

Stan enters the dimly lit cafeteria. All the kids are sitting around drinking milk out of scotch glasses. Jimmy is doing standup comedy on stage. Stan walks over to the front of the stage where Butters is sitting. When Butters sees Stan coming, he tries to run away but Stan slams Butters face on the stage.

Stan
Sit down you cock sucking snitch!
Butters
I swear I don’t know anything! I swear it!
Stan
Just like you swore last time? As I recall you had info on who stole CeCe Hessler’s diary. Isn’t that right? And what happened to CeCe Hessler’s diary huh?

Butters starts crying.

Stan
What happened to her god damn diary assh*le?!
Butters
Everyone read it.
Stan
And what did they find out?
Butters
Don’t make me say it!
Stan
Say it, damn you!
Butters
(While crying) CeCe Hessler likes to stick glue in her vagina because it looks and feels like semen but it doesn’t get you pregnant!
Stan
And who stole her diary?
Butters
Mr. Garrison.
Stan
That’s right. And maybe if you opened that trap of yours sooner, something could’ve been done about it. Now you have a chance to redeem yourself Butters. An undisclosed source sent me an email last night telling me that a very rare and valuable toy has been stolen from them and it’s up to me to find out who has the toy. I need information.
Butters
What makes you think I have information regarding that?
Stan
Don’t play dumb with me scrotum sucker. I know you know who has it.
Butters
All I know about the toy is, only 3 shipments were made across the U.S. One shipment went to Texas, another went to Arizona and the other one came here to Colorado. When parents found out about what the toy did, they wrote a bunch of angry letters to the distributer and the Consumer Product Safety Commission banned the toy from further production and distribution. They recalled all the toys they could, but one is still out there. Only one person from South Park was able to get a hold of that toy.
Stan
Who Butters?
Butters
If I tell you, you have to promise to let me ago and leave me alone from now on.
Stan
Deal.
Butters
It was Kenny.

Stan let’s Butters go, as he runs away.

Stan (Inner voice)
And just like that, a huge load of information falls right into my lap. Smelly and undesirable as any load is, and coming from a snitch like Butters, it’s as smelly as a load can be. Kenny. Was he the one that emailed me about the missing toy? Or was he just some piss ant middle man? There’s only one way to find out.

Stan begins to walk away from the stage.

Jimmy
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just w-w-w-waved. Wow what a great audience. What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Hey, does this taste f-f-f-f-funny to you?” Wow what a great audience. And now if you’ll please join me in introducing our next act, Wendy Testaburg-burg-burg-burg-burg-ger and the fancy ponies.

Stan stops in his tracks and turns toward the stage. Wendy comes out in a beautiful red dress, while Tolkien, Craig, Clyde, and Timmy sit behind her with their instruments. Wendy starts singing the song “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble’.
Once Wendy finishes the song, she sits down next to Stan at his table.


Wendy
Hello Stan.
Stan
Wendy.
Wendy
Enjoy the show.
Stan
I suppose. The crowd seemed to like it.
Wendy
Guess it wouldn’t be fair to take all the credit. You gave the performance its inspiration.
Stan
What’s that supposed to mean?
Wendy
I think you know what it means.
Stan
We had our time Wendy. It’s was all well and good but it’s over now.
Wendy
I know that Stan. I feel free. No longer having to put up with the mood swings and the drinking.
Stan
Good for you. Are you done playing on my hearts strings now?
Wendy
Heart? What heart? All you have is a shell.

Wendy walks away. Stan downs a shot of milk and walks out of the cafeteria.

Interior-Kyle’s House-night

There’s a knock at Kyle’s door. Ike opens it.

Stan
Hey Ike, is Kyle in?
Ike
Upstairs masturbating.

Stan goes to Kyle’s bedroom door, that has a glass installed in it. The glass reads, “Kyle Broflovski Private Investigator”. Stan opens Kyle’s door.

Interior-Kyle’s bedroom-night

Stan walks into Kyle’s room. Kyle is behind his desk without his hat on. Kyle stops masturbating once he sees Stan walk in.

Stan
AWWW DUDE!
Kyle
Dude what the hell?! Why didn’t you knock?
Stan
When did you start masturbating?
Kyle
I don’t know, I just-forget it. What do you want cause I’m really busy.
Stan
Draining your meat stick doesn’t count as busy.
Kyle
It is when blue balls occur.
Stan
Dude sick!
Kyle
Just tell me what you want!
Stan
It was just a hard night.
Kyle
You’re on the case again aren’t you?

Stan stays quiet.

Kyle
I thought you were giving that up?
Stan
I did. It hasn’t given up on me yet.
Kyle
It’s going to kill you one of these days.
Stan
This is my last job.
Kyle
I’ve heard that before.
Stan
I mean it this time.
Kyle
Something else is wrong isn’t it?

Stan remains quiet.

Kyle
You saw her didn’t you?
Stan
I couldn’t avoid her.
Kyle
Why would you want to? I thought you didn’t care about her?
Stan
I don’t- I just, wasn’t expecting to see her.
Kyle
What case are you working on?
Stan
Has Kenny mentioned anything about a special toy to you?
Kyle
No. Have you seen him yet?
Stan
No I was on my way over to his house but I just wanted to check in.
Kyle
Want me to go with you?
Stan
No. I’ll be in touch. I just want to know if I need you, will you be there?
Kyle
Of course Stan.

Stan opens the door to exit.

Kyle
You know Stan, its ok to talk if you need to talk.
Stan
I don’t need to talk.

Stan exits Kyle’s room.

Interior- Kenny’s House-night

Thunder and lightning light up the sky. Stan knocks on Kenny’s door. Kenny opens.

Stan
Can I come in?
Kenny
(muffles)

Stan and Kenny walk into the living room and see Kenny’s parents naked and drunk on the floor playing monopoly.

Mr. McCormick
That’s bull crap! There is no way that little dog would buy up all those properties and know how to manage all those hotels!
Mrs. McCormick
That’s more logical then some dumb ass iron knowing what the hell to do with it!
Mr. McCormick
Screw this game! Let’s play battleship.
Stan
I need to know a few things Kenny. Did you email me last night?
Kenny
(Muffles)
Stan
Oh the one that has the chick with the dog eating peanut butter out of her snatch? Yea I got that one.

Kenny laughs and Stan laughs.

Stan
Yea that was pretty sick. But seriously, you didn’t email me with any lost toy business.

Kenny shakes his head.

Stan
Look Kenny I’m coming to you as a friend with this one. Butters pointed the finger at you and told me that you were the one who got a hold of the lost toy I’m looking for.
Kenny
(Muffles for a long time)

Suddenly Kenny’s head gets blown off. Whatever blew Kenny’s head off, it came through the kitchen window.
Stan runs out of Kenny’s house to investigate.
Kenny’s parents are completely oblivious to what just happened to their son.


Mrs. McCormick
Sunk your battleship assh*le!
Mr. McCormick
Oh god damn it! Why couldn’t you be this good at cooking?

Exterior-Kenny’s house-night

It’s raining and thundering in the sky. Stan looks at small footsteps, a bullet shell and a green glove.

Stan (Inner Voice)
Whoever killed Kenny wanted to make sure that whatever he knew, he kept quiet about forever. But most importantly whoever did kill Kenny wanted me to find this green glove. And the only kid in South Park that wears green gloves is Kyle. Kyle’s being framed. But by who? And why? Just before Kenny got his head blown off his f*cking shoulders, he told me that Butters was the one that requested the toy. It was agreed that if Kenny managed to get the toy, Butters would pay a one year subscription to Playboy for Kenny. Looks like Kenny obliged, but only ended up costing him his life.

Interior-Kyle’s House-night

Stan walks into Kyle’s room. Kyle is masturbating again.

Kyle
Oh god damn it!
Stan
Dude, where were you five minutes ago?

Kyle looks at Stan like he’s an idiot, while holding his penis with his pants down.

Kyle
Where do you think I was?
Stan
That’s what I want to know.
Kyle
I was right here!
Stan
Doing what?
Kyle
(Again stares at Stan like he’s retarded) I was alphabetizing my dvds, what the hell do you think I was doing?!
Stan
You didn’t just kill Kenny, then race back here and jacked off to your latest kill?
Kyle
Stan! Who the f*ck do you think I am?
Stan
Well then it looks like someone is trying to frame you?

Stan throws the green glove he found on Kyle’s desk.

Kyle
This isn’t my glove. Mine are right here.

Kyle pulls out his gloves from under his desk. It’s covered with Kyle’s jizz.

Kyle
Would you like to inspect it super detective?
Stan
Umm, Kyle. (Points at the gloves)
Kyle
Oh god damn it.
Kyle puts the gloves away.
Kyle
What’s your deal with me lately Stan? I’m here to help you.
Stan
Yea you really helped me with that Elerbee case.
Kyle
Stan there was nothing I could do. I thought we found the bully that was picking on Elerbee, I was sure we did.
Stan
But you didn’t did you!
Kyle
Stan Elerbee was beating himself up! How could I have known that?

Stan starts drinking a bottle of milk from out of his trench coat.

Stan
The job is weighing on me man. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
Kyle
Stan you were supposed to stop a long time ago. Just quit.
Stan
How can I quit with all the evil going on in this town?
Kyle
That’s why I took on working as a private investigator so you wouldn’t have to.
Stan
Yea well, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.
Kyle
Whatever Stan, I’m doing the best I can. But if you want to kill yourself, go ahead.

Stan drinks some more, then leaves Kyle’s room.

Interior-Stan’s House-night

Stan busts through his glass door that reads, “Super Awesome Private Detective Stan Marsh”. Stan then finishes his bottle of milk and throws it through the glass door. Stan collapses on his bed, he then notices a ton of pictures laid out on his bed. He begins looking at the pictures of Kyle masturbating to pictures of Wendy. Other pictures see Kyle wiping his jizz on pictures of Stan’s face.

Stan
That son of a bitch!!!

Stan gets super pissed off and drunkenly runs out his door.

Interior-Kyle’s room-night

Stan bursts through Kyle’s glass door and attacks Kyle. The two fight for a while. The fight ends when Kyle holds up his jizz covered gloves at Stan.

Kyle
Dude! What the f*ck is wrong with you?!
Stan
Oh I don’t know, maybe it’s just all these pictures of you jacking off to the girl I love and you rubbing your love juice all over my face.
Kyle
Nu uh.

Stan hands Kyle one of the pictures.
Kyle looks at the picture.

Kyle
Dude this is photo shopped. I’ve been jerking it to pictures Chloe Grace-Moretz.
Stan
The chick who played hit girl from kick ass?
Kyle
Yea.
Stan
Oh. Yea I’ve jerked to her too. But who’s face were you wiping your jism on?
Kyle
Ok that one wasn’t photo shopped. My gloves were already used up and I had nothing else close by. I’m sorry dude, I never thought someone would take a pic of me doing that.
Stan
Who would do this?
Kyle
Have you seen Cartman lately?

Exterior-Cartman’s House-night

Stan and Kyle grab a ladder out of Cartman’s backyard. Stan climbs the ladder up to Cartman’s room window and looks inside.

Kyle
Well?
Stan
I don’t see anything. I don’t think he’s hear.

A beeping noise is heard.

Stan
What is that?
Kyle
I think it’s my phone.

Kyle opens his phone.

Kyle
Oh my god.
Stan
What is it?
Kyle
It’s a radiation detector.
Stan
Radiation?
Kyle
There might be a trail. Let’s follow it.

Exterior-South Park Elementary-night

Stan and Kyle arrive in front of the elementary school.

Kyle
The school?
Stan
What the hell is going on?

Interior-South Park Elementary-night

Stan and Kyle walk through the dark halls of the elementary school. In the distance, Cartman’s voice can be heard singing “In the air tonight” by Phil Collins.
Stan and Kyle reach the Fourth Grade classroom, where Cartman’s voice is coming from.
Inside of the classroom is Cartman, and General Disarray. They are working on a big bomb, filling it with radiation being made from an atomic energy laboratory box set.


Stan
Stop what you’re doing right now fat boy!
Cartman
Well, well, well, well, well, look what we have here. Dick hole one and butthole two.
Kyle
Just what the hell do you think you’re doing fat ass?!
Cartman
What the hell does it look like I’m doing Kyle? I’m blowing up the school with my new totally kick ass toy.
Stan
So you’re the one who stole it from Butters?
Cartman
Jeez Stan your quite the detective. Who else do you think would have done it?
Stan
Who sent me the email? Who did you steal the toy from?
Cartman
Professor would you come out please.

Professor Chaos walks into the room.

Stan
Butters?
Kyle
Ok just what the hell is going on?
Cartman
Allow me to explain. I hate school guys. I’ve hated it since I can remember. But this week has been more than I can bear. Garrison assigned us that science project, and it just happens to be due tomorrow.
Kyle
I know. I finished it.
Cartman
Shut up Jew. I was told a week ago that if I didn’t pass the science project, I’d be held back a year. I couldn’t deal with the embarrassment. So I made the only logical decision there was. I decided enough was enough and I would blow up the school.
Kyle
That was your grand master plan? Not get help from someone to help you with the project?
Cartman
Who would help me Kyle?! You? HA! Don’t make me laugh. Everyone knows Jews suck at science.
Kyle
Cartman, you are so stupid it hurts.
Cartman
Suck my balls Kyle. Anyways, a new toy came out not too long ago. An atomic energy laboratory play set with real radiation with every box. But I knew I couldn’t purchase the item myself for I’d be the usual suspect. So I made Butters purchase it, but I knew that if someone found out Butters bought the toy he wouldn’t be able to keep his stupid snitch mouth shut.
Butters
Hey I thought I did pretty good.
Cartman
Shut up Butters. It proved to be difficult to purchase the toy since only one unit made its way into Colorado. So I made Butters pay Kenny cash and a one year subscription to Playboy, to go down to Denver and retrieve the toy himself before the recall of the toy was enforced. After we got the toy, I knew somehow one of you stinky buttholes would find out about the toy, looks like I underestimated you both. So I insisted that Butters send Stan an anonymous email that his new toy was stolen and to find out who done it. When Stan started snooping around South Park like I knew he would, we decided to test the limits of Stan and Kyle’s friendship by making Stan believe that Kyle killed Kenny and was whacking it to Stan’s squeeze Wendy. That way we could throw you off our trail. But I guess I underestimated you two in that department as well, you guys are way gayer they I could have possibly imagined.
Stan
I have just one question. Who killed Kenny?
Cartman
(Smirks) The same person who has his sights set on you right now.

A red dot is on Kyle’s forehead.

Cartman
So sit back and relax while I finish up the rigging of my device.
Kyle
You’re full of sh*t Cartman! For all I know this stupid dot is just the lighter pen you were pointing at Garrison’s ass with.
Cartman
Ahh man wasn’t super funny?! But you should be more cautious Kyle and not underestimate me like I underestimated you.
Stan
Don’t move Kyle.
Cartman
Just think about it you guys. No more school, no more homework. We can just play and play and nobody would say two sh*ts about it. It will be paradise my friends.
Kyle
They’ll just build another school fat ass.
Cartman
And what will stop me from blowing that one up too Kyle?
Kyle
Me.
Cartman
Oooooo is that so? (Speaks on walkie talkie) Tango Tango Red Rojer Five. Take the shot.
Stan
NO!!!

Stan pushes Kyle out of the way. Bullets fly all over the place destroying anything in its path.

Cartman
(Speaking on walkie talkie) Hey! Be more careful you ass hole! Were in a classroom full of radiation!
Butters
Umm Eric.
Cartman
What?

Cartman turns around and sees that the atomic play set is gone.

Cartman
Oh god damn it!!! (Speaks on walkie talkie) Get those sons of bitches!!!

Exterior-Woods-night

Stan and Kyle runs a s fast as they can with the atomic play set. They get tired and stop running.

Kyle
Stan. What’re we going to do with this thing?
Stan
I have an idea.

A tree suddenly explodes. Then ten more trees explode. Cartman is riding in a four wheeler with Butters driving it and General Disarray launching mortars at Stan and Kyle.
Stan and Kyle both start running again as they make it to Stark’s Pond.


Cartman
Don’t you dare you assh*les!

Stan and Kyle are about to throw the toy into the water until their stopped by the sound of a large gun cocking back. Randy is standing in front of them all decked out in a cool black assassins uniform.

Stan
Dad?
Randy
Hey Stan.
Stan
Dad what the f*ck?
Randy
It’s been really slow at work lately so I had to pick up some extra work elsewhere. I found an ad on craigslist saying they needed some assassin guy to help them out so here I am.
Cartman
And you’re not getting paid a god damn cent until you kill those fudge packers.
Randy
I can’t kill my son.
Cartman
(Sighing in regret) Well can you at least kill Kyle?

Randy looks at Stan for his approval.

Stan
No dad!
Randy
No I can’t sorry.
Cartman
God damn it!!!
Randy
By the way I killed Kenny so I expect to get my payment soon.
Cartman
Fine. Fine.
Kyle
Help me throw it in Stan.
Cartman
Guys hold on just one second. Think about it you guys. Do you really want to have to go to school on Monday? Just think about it if we didn’t have to go to school. It would f*cking rock!
Stan
Cartman, we go to school to better ourselves so that one day hopefully we can get a college education and make the world a better place.
Cartman
What are you f*cking Miss America! This is the 21st century, it doesn’t matter if you have a degree or not, you’re going to be f*cked just like everyone else that got their degree and are stuck paying loans out the ass and aren’t even lucky enough to get a job in the field they studied in. So go ahead and throw in that toy if you really want to.

Kyle throws the toy into the pond.

Stan
Dude!?
Kyle
What?
Stan
I was going to say don’t throw it in.
Kyle
Why?
Stan
Maybe we should’ve blown up the school.
Re: Episode: South Park Film Noire PostMon Jun 17, 2013 8:43 am Offline
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Fri May 24, 2013 1:08 pm3
This one's awesome too! Love the structure of it as well. MAKE MORE! :D :D
Welcome to Raisins!
Re: Episode: South Park Film Noire PostMon Jun 17, 2013 9:42 am Offline
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Mon Nov 26, 2012 4:56 pm192In your hearts.
Lookin good so far.
Send me a PM. (Milo Vonnegut)

Milo Vonnegut, Milo Vonnegut 2, Online Milo, Milo Vonnegut 3, Keyblade, Tugennov Olim
Re: Episode: South Park Film Noire PostMon Jun 17, 2013 11:31 am Offline
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Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:06 pm7
Thanks for reading you guys, I'm glad your enjoying it. I'm finishing up a screenplay right now (non south park related), once I finish I'll come up with some more south park stories to write.
Re: Episode: South Park Film Noire PostSun Apr 20, 2014 12:49 pm Offline
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Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:06 pm7
Leave a comment if you want more episodes
Re: Episode: South Park Film Noire PostMon Apr 21, 2014 6:38 pm Online
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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:36 am172
I read the fic and it is well written and the characters seem to be in character. Keep up the good work
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